ok

blogspot is relatively dead to me.
maybe it's because i got tired of crying (figuratively/literally) about dumb shit.
maybe it's from weirdos reading my crying.
maybe just cause i'm lazy and don't have time.
maybe i found jesus.

or i just turned into a boring person.
still same boyfriend. who is the best boyfriend ever (really, i challenge you to say yours is better because i've yet to see that)
same crazy dog who hasn't been neutered and is staring at me
well, not the same job. since i walked out of outback a few weeks ago after my boss was talking down to me. lol, just...walked out. fuck it. the money sucked and i can do better things somewhere else. i have an interview at einsteins today, which is an awesome restaurant and right down the block. and ryan valets right beside it.
same friends.
same apartment.

anyway, i don't use this blogspot anymore, but i Did concede to get a tumblr. which i'm thoroughly enjoying, since i've been finding spastic of-the-moment things i can get out quickly more interesting than this cumbersome writing a book about nothing.


all further lurking can now be fwd to:
http://rubraw.tumblr.com/


thank you, have a nice life

waaaaaaaahhhhoo

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....

ahhh

i just took a bubble bath while wearing one of those spa mud mask things. i feel like hilary duff. do not ask why.

laying in bed watching harry and sally. haven't got up to finish getting ready.

today i
woke up early to take ryan to work
came home, cleaned up my apartment/finished watching the jerk
went to subway to get ryan lunch, got my oil changed
took ryan lunch, went to home depot to get cleaning supplies
completely cleaned off my porch-down on my knees with bleach and yellow gloves clean
walked my dog
picked ryan up, went to get a snowball
went to work.
went to kroger to get bubble bath supplies.

and now here i am. needing to dry my hair etc. need to take the sheets and duvet cover off my bed so i can take it to be cleaned.
hungry. dunno what i want yet

head hurts. believe i will drink the sweet tea vodka that i recently purchased.

best boyfriend. handsome dog. insanely nice apartment. good car. brains. in school. steady job. don't look like a troll.
hello hello hello. what gives.

dust off

watching Up. is it weird that real life shit that happens i don't cry but i tear up 15 minutes into cartoon movies. distorted.

sometimes i feel like i was born dead.

i've been working 2894738243 hours 824375843 days a week. always closing. "you're the A team" yeah i am. i do everything proper because i'm a perfectionist. i hate getting around to things-procrastinator. but i can't do anything unless it's done right.

it's so hard for me to feel attached to people. it's so hard for me to engage. i don't so much mean the people i'm closest to, although it's sometimes a problem there too. but mostly just everyone else. especially strangers. i am not warm and inviting. i don't mean to be frigid. i'm just very aloof and aware and i really don't mind it since i usually don't like talking to people but sometimes i realize it may be unhealthy.

ryan's birthday is coming up. i only have one idea or something to get him. and since he's said that he already knows of 3 things he's getting me i'd really like to get him something cool. what's the gift that says "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
and no bullshitting, i really mean it.
you'd think that all of my previous boyfriend's might be better because they'd been in the situation before. or maybe it's that he's not jaded by relationships that didn't go right. or maybe he's just perfect for me. any way it is, i'll take it.
i'm sure he'd roll his eyes at me if he knew i was posting something about him on blogspot haha.

i just remembered i put noodles on to boil 30 minutes ago. whewps g2g

day off

pilates.
shower

watching james and the giant peach. one of my favorite books/movies. reminds me of my mom. i hope she's having a good time in italy, i'm just wound up over her coming back safely. i would literally lose my mind if anything happened to her

screaming at walls

hearing about some troll trying to get with my ex. maybe if your face didn't look like someone molded it out of playdoh i would care. as for him- i guess i'd put up with someone if they were trying to sit on my dick too.

as for my boy
i like someone who pays for everything. not because i ask him to or expect him to, but because he wants to. so crazy having someone take me out to dinners and buy me sweet things again.
someone who picks me up and carries me around the house for no reason.
who holds it down in the bedroom.
who isn't a jackass. who i can take home to my parents.
who has always looked out for me. who's always willing to help me with stuff, like moving.
who's considerate enough to put make up the bed, and walk my dog before he leaves.
who likes my partying and drives me home. who has the same schedule as me.

we haven't slept apart in 2 or 3 weeks. except for the one night drew came over to say he loved me and missed me. crazy how he told me all the things i've ever wanted to hear. but fuck it, i've been down that path before. i always break up with one boyfriend, start dating a better one, then the old one realizes he's fucked up, so he comes back, and i drop the nice one to go back to the asshole. not this time. i care about drew, i don't think he's a bad person but fuck it. he was a shitty boyfriend, period. and everyone says they'll change when they realize that they're about to lose their significant other to someone else. no one ever changes. and yadda yadda yadda.
time to break that habit.

haven't seen jill because of our mismatched time schedules. pedicure time on sunday. so excited to get pampered and hang out


i drink gasoline and eat a lit match

16/19

just got home from hanging out with jill
sitting in my bed in underwear i got as a christmas present maybe 4 years ago and my favorite shirt from h&m.
eating ben&jerry's key lime pie ice cream which is the best thing i've ever tasted.
watching season 1 of law&order:svu on netflix.
watching louis enjoy the new bone i bought him today.
waiting on ryan to let me know when to come over so i can spend the night and wake up early so we can go to six flags tomorrow.


this is what perfect feels like

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i used my waffles account to download old nsync records. hehehehe.

i made a ton of money at work last night. i made little tonight. but i did get out really early.

seeing you look so cute bums me out. miss you miss you really wanna kiss you but i can't.
i do a good job of burying my emotions. i am almost proud.


everyone keeps rolling their eyes. it's getting toxic.

one of the guys i worked with at work got in a wreck friday night and died. he was only 17, hadn't even graduated high school. so crazy because i worked with him thursday.
then today i found out big matt had passed away as well. i can't explain the feeling, but i know everyone's felt it. it just doesn't seem possible. i spend so much time convincing myself that i nor anyone i know will ever really die, it's quite a blow to my psyche.

signed up for a summer biology class. groooossssssssss. but oh well. one step closer to graduation.

letter to you 001

you can't tell there's a worm in the apple until you've already taken a bite.


i can be literally strangled to death and i'm at peace.
i can be held tenderly and feel like i'm suffocating to death.

i just sold my soul, i knew i was doing it. i turned away and threw it over my shoulder.
this is what my mom's always been talking about. i just found out too late.
i wish i could have trusted my gut, but i'm not that confident.

i want to bring it up, i want to talk about it. i can't.
i didn't want to know. now i'm not sure i'd want to know more.
because if my assumptions are right i might drown in the regret.

things have a way of working themselves out. i can trust in time.
but i feel like i can't. i'm going to get stuck. and these things are tricky.
i feel like it doesn't work like that. i feel like it's going to be gone.

id like to go away and not come back.
i need to be assured that this will work out in the future.
nothing and no one can assure me that.