Rub Raw

ok

2010-10-15T12:45:00.002-04:00

blogspot is relatively dead to me.
maybe it's because i got tired of crying (figuratively/literally) about dumb shit.
maybe it's from weirdos reading my crying.
maybe just cause i'm lazy and don't have time.
maybe i found jesus.

or i just turned into a boring person.
still same boyfriend. who is the best boyfriend ever (really, i challenge you to say yours is better because i've yet to see that)
same crazy dog who hasn't been neutered and is staring at me
well, not the same job. since i walked out of outback a few weeks ago after my boss was talking down to me. lol, just...walked out. fuck it. the money sucked and i can do better things somewhere else. i have an interview at einsteins today, which is an awesome restaurant and right down the block. and ryan valets right beside it.
same friends.
same apartment.

anyway, i don't use this blogspot anymore, but i Did concede to get a tumblr. which i'm thoroughly enjoying, since i've been finding spastic of-the-moment things i can get out quickly more interesting than this cumbersome writing a book about nothing.

all further lurking can now be fwd to:
http://rubraw.tumblr.com/

thank you, have a nice life

waaaaaaaahhhhoo

2010-07-14T22:34:00.001-04:00

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njkfdhajshlfgjdfhjzkcnvzvnjlAJfhgjhfjbxzvzvjknfjn
gkjvzxcnfah8re8456uhykmjfjwiqopdkfdjgnfjkeifdjnskdfjjshdfur
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....

2010-06-28T00:53:00.000-04:00

ahhh

2010-06-25T00:33:00.002-04:00

i just took a bubble bath while wearing one of those spa mud mask things. i feel like hilary duff. do not ask why.

laying in bed watching harry and sally. haven't got up to finish getting ready.

today i
woke up early to take ryan to work
came home, cleaned up my apartment/finished watching the jerk
went to subway to get ryan lunch, got my oil changed
took ryan lunch, went to home depot to get cleaning supplies
completely cleaned off my porch-down on my knees with bleach and yellow gloves clean
walked my dog
picked ryan up, went to get a snowball
went to work.
went to kroger to get bubble bath supplies.

and now here i am. needing to dry my hair etc. need to take the sheets and duvet cover off my bed so i can take it to be cleaned.
hungry. dunno what i want yet

head hurts. believe i will drink the sweet tea vodka that i recently purchased.

best boyfriend. handsome dog. insanely nice apartment. good car. brains. in school. steady job. don't look like a troll.
hello hello hello. what gives.

dust off

2010-06-22T23:01:00.002-04:00

watching Up. is it weird that real life shit that happens i don't cry but i tear up 15 minutes into cartoon movies. distorted.

sometimes i feel like i was born dead.

i've been working 2894738243 hours 824375843 days a week. always closing. "you're the A team" yeah i am. i do everything proper because i'm a perfectionist. i hate getting around to things-procrastinator. but i can't do anything unless it's done right.

it's so hard for me to feel attached to people. it's so hard for me to engage. i don't so much mean the people i'm closest to, although it's sometimes a problem there too. but mostly just everyone else. especially strangers. i am not warm and inviting. i don't mean to be frigid. i'm just very aloof and aware and i really don't mind it since i usually don't like talking to people but sometimes i realize it may be unhealthy.

ryan's birthday is coming up. i only have one idea or something to get him. and since he's said that he already knows of 3 things he's getting me i'd really like to get him something cool. what's the gift that says "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"
and no bullshitting, i really mean it.
you'd think that all of my previous boyfriend's might be better because they'd been in the situation before. or maybe it's that he's not jaded by relationships that didn't go right. or maybe he's just perfect for me. any way it is, i'll take it.
i'm sure he'd roll his eyes at me if he knew i was posting something about him on blogspot haha.

i just remembered i put noodles on to boil 30 minutes ago. whewps g2g

day off

2010-06-14T01:21:00.002-04:00

pilates.
shower

watching james and the giant peach. one of my favorite books/movies. reminds me of my mom. i hope she's having a good time in italy, i'm just wound up over her coming back safely. i would literally lose my mind if anything happened to her

screaming at walls

2010-06-10T23:36:00.003-04:00

hearing about some troll trying to get with my ex. maybe if your face didn't look like someone molded it out of playdoh i would care. as for him- i guess i'd put up with someone if they were trying to sit on my dick too.

as for my boy
i like someone who pays for everything. not because i ask him to or expect him to, but because he wants to. so crazy having someone take me out to dinners and buy me sweet things again.
someone who picks me up and carries me around the house for no reason.
who holds it down in the bedroom.
who isn't a jackass. who i can take home to my parents.
who has always looked out for me. who's always willing to help me with stuff, like moving.
who's considerate enough to put make up the bed, and walk my dog before he leaves.
who likes my partying and drives me home. who has the same schedule as me.

we haven't slept apart in 2 or 3 weeks. except for the one night drew came over to say he loved me and missed me. crazy how he told me all the things i've ever wanted to hear. but fuck it, i've been down that path before. i always break up with one boyfriend, start dating a better one, then the old one realizes he's fucked up, so he comes back, and i drop the nice one to go back to the asshole. not this time. i care about drew, i don't think he's a bad person but fuck it. he was a shitty boyfriend, period. and everyone says they'll change when they realize that they're about to lose their significant other to someone else. no one ever changes. and yadda yadda yadda.
time to break that habit.

haven't seen jill because of our mismatched time schedules. pedicure time on sunday. so excited to get pampered and hang out

i drink gasoline and eat a lit match

16/19

2010-05-25T23:28:00.002-04:00

just got home from hanging out with jill
sitting in my bed in underwear i got as a christmas present maybe 4 years ago and my favorite shirt from h&m.
eating ben&jerry's key lime pie ice cream which is the best thing i've ever tasted.
watching season 1 of law&order:svu on netflix.
watching louis enjoy the new bone i bought him today.
waiting on ryan to let me know when to come over so i can spend the night and wake up early so we can go to six flags tomorrow.

this is what perfect feels like

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2010-05-23T21:20:00.003-04:00

i used my waffles account to download old nsync records. hehehehe.

i made a ton of money at work last night. i made little tonight. but i did get out really early.

seeing you look so cute bums me out. miss you miss you really wanna kiss you but i can't.
i do a good job of burying my emotions. i am almost proud.

everyone keeps rolling their eyes. it's getting toxic.

one of the guys i worked with at work got in a wreck friday night and died. he was only 17, hadn't even graduated high school. so crazy because i worked with him thursday.
then today i found out big matt had passed away as well. i can't explain the feeling, but i know everyone's felt it. it just doesn't seem possible. i spend so much time convincing myself that i nor anyone i know will ever really die, it's quite a blow to my psyche.

signed up for a summer biology class. groooossssssssss. but oh well. one step closer to graduation.

letter to you 001

2010-05-20T13:42:00.003-04:00

you can't tell there's a worm in the apple until you've already taken a bite.

i can be literally strangled to death and i'm at peace.
i can be held tenderly and feel like i'm suffocating to death.

i just sold my soul, i knew i was doing it. i turned away and threw it over my shoulder.
this is what my mom's always been talking about. i just found out too late.
i wish i could have trusted my gut, but i'm not that confident.

i want to bring it up, i want to talk about it. i can't.
i didn't want to know. now i'm not sure i'd want to know more.
because if my assumptions are right i might drown in the regret.

things have a way of working themselves out. i can trust in time.
but i feel like i can't. i'm going to get stuck. and these things are tricky.
i feel like it doesn't work like that. i feel like it's going to be gone.

id like to go away and not come back.
i need to be assured that this will work out in the future.
nothing and no one can assure me that.

rosaline must dance alone

2010-05-18T00:30:00.003-04:00

i have too many thoughts floating around in my head. it's been a while since i posted.

last night around 4am ryan and i went to kroger to get something to drink. there was some drunk girl running around the aisles and being loud and obnoxious. ryan said "i'm glad you don't get like that when you drink"
i don't know why it made me laugh and why i thought it was weird, but i did.
of course i don't act like that when i drink because i'm not a dumbass to begin with. i can't stand when people get like that. but it's not so much the alcohol as their personality.

i might be getting ahead of myself.

i haven't talked to drew since whenever i last posted. the first time i've seen him was at the show. awkward almost run-ins. he walked by and we both looked up and smiled..a weird smile..at each other.
later on he texted me to say "i want to get my jersey back some time soon"
josh said "you don't control me anymore! that jersey is mine! you can get it back when you pry it from my cold dead fingers. suck my dick or ill kick your ass" lol'd for the longest time.
i said "ok fine'.
and that was that. haven't talked to him since.

my tail bone is legitimately bruised. it must be. part of it still hurts from where i landed butt-first on the water from the 30foot diving board. josh and i went up and he told me to not look and just run and jump. so i ran, fast. and leaped off. i was in the air for a solid 3 seconds just falling. so scary but exhilarating at the same time. the pain was worth it.
i'm glad he convinced me to come. i'm glad i got to spend time with carlie&narine. two of the few girls who doesn't make me roll my eyes.

i realize how much ill blood i have with people. and with some it's not so much ill blood, but i guess it used to be.
i just don't care. i'm not going to fake it. i say what i mean and mean what i say.
i don't want to be friends with you when i know your toxic and what you've done to my friends and the bullshit you spread around. or are just plain fucking retarded.
i could be sweet and pretend but i've never seen the point to that and it surprises me how many people will put up with being 'friends' with people just for the social aspect of seeming..easy to get along with?
i've had shit thrown at me, i still come out looking clean. always have, always will.
and i know i'm not just 'hard to get along with'. because everyone loves me at every job i've ever had and i've never had a fight with anyone over anything except once with a girl who was stupid, and even that wasn't much of anything. i'm always a top pick to work with on stuff at school. i'm not ever looking to be mad at anyone. i just don't mind being 4real when shit goes sour.

the other day ryan was laughing about how when rachel and i lived together she would tell him how the kitchen was so disgusting from me and she didn't know what to do about it. but every time he's ever been over to my apartment it's been extremely clean.
yeah, that's called she's an idiot. and a liar. and a slob.
i legitimately cooked a meal that didn't involve putting something in the microwave maybe 5 times in the 3 months i lived there. not involving cereal bowls/drinking glasses that i used frequently, which i almost always cleaned right after i used them.
oh i forgot about all the times i made cupcakes for people to get them to like me and overlook my lack of personality.
oh wait no i didn't.

anywhozit. i didn't mean to go on that rant. i just feel like my tolerance for stupid shitty people/girls has dropped to an all-time low. which is really saying something considering i'm always down to call it like i see it.

jill told me i'm not allowed to be my usual black widow self. i'm trying to keep myself in check.

a few days ago i was feeling so uncomfortable with being so content. i am. everything is just about 100% perfect right now. it scares me but i'm trying to get used to it.

thinking hard of getting another dog. yorkie or west highland white terrier or french bullie. something small. possibly a girl.
i hate yorkies so i don't know why i want one. whwt because i used to want one so badly. and frenchie because dracula is the best cuddler.

i need to pay my power bill tomorrow. and get my eyebrows waxed.

it's the way it makes you screech and pulls the skin off your bones

hell.

2010-04-29T00:29:00.002-04:00

i went to apply at anthropologie today. i looked cute. i was even wearing heels. i don't know if they're going to hire me. i kinda doubt it. i don't really care, i don't Need the job, it just seems like it'd be cool to work there.

i probably have exams tomorrow. i haven't looked at my agenda. i should..

i went in to the nike store after i went to anthropologie. the sales associate got personal. he was cute. he wanted my number, i compromised and got his. he said to text him later. hahah. i haven't. i don't know if i will.

i don't know what's going on with drew and i. i cried on the phone for an hour today. sometimes i forget i'm a girl. or a human.
i don't know what to say. at this point i don't know what i want.

i wish things were like they were 5 months ago. with us. and everything else was like it was now.
nike boy why i had broken up with my boyfriend, i said because we didn't see each other enough. he asked who's fault it was. "his"
well, it's not really his fault we don't see each other. but he definitely puts no effort in to it. i've tried.
i can only push so much.

on another level
i don't know what to do about that. not like it came out of left field or anything. but it's strange how much more real something is once it's said out loud.
i need some time to figure out what i want.

going home tomorrow night. thank god. i need my mom.

pretty sure i got friday night off.
i can either
-go party in athens
-go to sixflags with georgia state
-go to relay for life in mcdonough

i don't dive, i cannonball.

message in a bottle

2010-04-27T11:46:00.001-04:00

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love we've been working on

helloh pussseh

2010-04-26T03:22:00.002-04:00

i have urchin feet. counting 3 blisters, a broken patch of skin, and dirt all over the top. i've been out all day walking around. in my vans. then in flip flops.

i feel like i've packed in a lot today. funny shit keeps happening.

"i have acne on my chest. i feel like it's from masturbating every day"-tc
"xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"-drizzy. lol'd. there is no god.
"did she suck your dick"-haterz hatin.
YES I SUCKED HIS DICK. BECAUSE I SUCK EVERYONE'S DICK RIOOOGHT. LIKE I DID YOURS RIOOGHT?
you must have me confused with that other bitch. cause i have a good dog and uhh a brain.
yeah i've got a dirty mouth, BUT MY KITCHEN'S CLEAN.
i'm seriously in a wacked-out mood. i keep loling at everything.

i ran into that caroline girl outside of best buy today. ryan and i were walking inside at the same time as she and some guy were. i was wondering what some coke-whore was doing looking at me so hard. wassup girlfriend. tried to suck my ex's dick lately? looks like the only thing you've been trying to eat... i appreciate not having to look at your gross body anymore, now if you could just start working on doing something what that face that'd be cooooool.

i wouldn't be such a mean-spirited little cunt if every girl i know didn't act a fool.
get out of my way or i'll rip your head off and drink your blood while your boyfriend goes down on me.

:P ;)
holla.

fish sticks

2010-04-24T00:51:00.003-04:00

what happens when the sum of my parts doesn't equal a whole.

i am a spider spinning a web. every movement is calculated. every speculation is credited. all thoughts accounted for.
that's actually a lie. that's actually not true. i don't know what i'm doing. at least half the time.
i do things to do them.

i don't know what i think.

i haven't talked to drew in two days now. to be honest, i'm completely fine with that. maybe it's not love. maybe it's just a guy i hang out with when i'm not hanging out with the guys that i am normally with. a guy i hook up with. a guy who is removed from the intricate drama. also somewhat removed from my everyday life.
i didn't say i was romantic.

the other night drew, shawn, and i were discussing true love and soulmates. i think they said they didn't believe in them. or that they believed in true love but not soulmates. as much as i remember, drew said that there was one person you were almost completely compatible with (true love), but not "predestined" to be with (soulmate).
i said i didn't believe in either.
reasoning
-i just don't know how valid a one-person theory is. i Can get along with most anyone if i so choose. i guess it's about not having to conform. but fuck, that's what relationships are all about. bending.
as far as chris, we think the same and agree on a lot of the same things. in a crazy-alike way i'm not good at explaining. he is also batshit insane as a boyfriend. does that make me the same way? hope not. but importantly, we're 100% not compatible.
at least at this point in time. which is as far as i can go with my data i guess. but anyway, is compatibility a factor? it should be right? what good is a soulmate if you hate being in a relationship with them? of course if there is such a thing i would no doubt be the one to get stuck with it.
anyway, drew said he always pegged me for a romantic and that made me laugh. maybe because he's an android devoid of any human emotion. most of the time. the time's that he has displayed human characteristics of normal emotional behavior it's been kind of weird.

i haven't been feeling very human myself these days.

i don't know how to deal with my self.
i wish my atoms would start splitting apart.

i can't help thinking of dying as a firework thrown into a shallow pool of water. fizzing out to nothing. soggy. weak.
maybe it wouldn't be so bad if i had a great last burst of light. energy surging into the dark. just that dark red image burned into someone's retina for a few seconds. until they decide to blink again.
blink blink blink
and you're gone.

in a lighter mood, today tomas brought up that he hounded me for months and i never gave him the time of day and then when i finally agreed to go to the movies with him he bailed on me. so funny. it was stupid at the time, i remember calling jill about it, but it's funny now, especially because i forgot about it.

got a cable box today. comcast is retarded. but turns out my tv is so old it's not compatible with the box. of course. i called my mom. she said 'ok we'll just get a new tv'. uh, cool. i'll be sad for my current tv though. i've had it since i was like 7. and it's a nice tv. and it has a built-in vcr player.

my bff jill colored my hair the color i've wanted ever since i decided to not be blonde.

only two more weeks of school left. pretty nice.

i watched "moon" on netflix yesterday. i've wanted to see it ever since i saw previews for it last year. it was as good as i thought it would be.

eating sweet potato fries with honey. there's not much better.

i've been going to bed fairly early-for me- (2 or earlier). and waking up at about 9, even though i've sometimes slept til 10:30 or so. i used to go through periods of staying up until 5 or 6 and sleeping until 2 in the afternoon. i like the new way better. i feel much more productive.

i need to
-go to the grocery store
-order checks
-wash my work clothes.

i wish i could swim underwater for long periods of time without any sort of scuba equipment. if i had a superpower i think that's what i would choose. swimming in the depths of the ocean would be so lovely.

sniff pause relax

2010-04-19T00:27:00.003-04:00

why is my stomach so tied up in knots right now.
i don't know where this panicky feeling is coming from and it's confusing me and making me nervous.

i woke up to a squirrel screaming at my window the other day. i didn't know squirrels made noises like that one was. it sounded like a crow or something. i opened my blinds and we were staring face to face. i tapped on the glass with my hand and lowered the blinds back down and i assume it went away. it at least shut up.

i went to get louis from my mom's today. he is back with momma, sleeping beside me on my bed.

got a lot of stuff from ikea. not happy with the tv stand, i feel like it's too low to the ground. i'm either going to figure out something to stack on top of it to make it higher or sell it on craigslist and get another one. got new pillows that i am so excited to sleep on, and a new sheet set. still a shade of grey. they probably always will be.

make enough money the past two days at work to be satisfied.
getting tanner.

Louis needs a bath.

bought a fried snickers from the dogwood festival yesterday. it was awesome.
the good thing of living beside the park is that i can walk to it and all of the festival stuff in a minute. the bad is that it makes the street/ parking a clusterfuck when stuff like that is going on.

i have a hickey
i bruise much too easily
i'm a ripe peach

i feel like i should start posting only in haikus.
shut up

i'm not calling you a liar

2010-04-17T23:28:00.004-04:00

just don't lie to me

i'm not calling you a thief,
just don't steal from me

i'm not calling you a ghost,
just stop haunting me

and i love you so much,
i'm gonna let you

kill me

no muzzle

2010-04-14T12:53:00.004-04:00

you are a joke. a fucking joke.

if you want to be taken seriously don't act like a fucking dog in heat. lost mutt ready to go home with anyone who throws you a bone.
even worse for the fact that no one wants you.
whining and being too self-revealing will only get you so far. being overtly sexual may get you a bit farther.

disgusting habits for a disgusting person.
no one gives a shit about you, "i guess she thinks i care"
hearing about the dumb stuff you've been saying used to make me laugh. now i'm just sick of hearing it. congratulations, you'll be gone soon, and when you're brought up in conversation it will always be "remember her.." "oh that dumb cunt"

no, i'm not the friendliest person in the world. but i'm always willing to give anyone a chance until proven wrong. it just happens that i have a high sense of bullshit awareness that leads me to dislike people sooner rather than later.

dislike ranging from apathetic disapproval to viciously cruel.
you swung to the wrong end of the pendulum pretty fast.

try your fucking luck. the odds will always be in my favor.

batter up, bitch.

"just before the black"

2010-03-28T13:34:00.002-04:00

by James Franco. like i need another reason to be in love with him.

I sit in the driver's seat of my grandfather's old DeVille. It is night out and cool. Me and Joe, we just sit.

We're out in front of the Palo Alto Municipal Golf Course pro shop. It's a tan building with white trim. It's where Joe and I work during the day.

We sit here because it's dark here, and there are no lights outside this building. We're stopped for no reason except that the night is still going and we're drunk, and who wants to go home, ever, and this spot is as good as any to just sit in the shadows and let life slow.

My window is cracked, just a bit, and the air plays on my forehead like a cold whisper.

I often think about driving off the side of freeway overpasses, just plunge Grandpa's old blue boat through the cement guardrail: The sculpted barrier crumbling about me and Grandpa's blue machine; a great moment of metallic explosion and heavy ripping and jerking and then release; a soft, slow dive of arcing color through the windshield, into a hard second of impact, just before the black. What an adventure lies behind one quick turn of the steering wheel. A great screaming, and then, slip away.

Joe and I sit and stare at the wall of the building. The building is beige, but the shadows make it shadow-color.

Joe smokes. His window is all the way down, and he breathes his smoke out the black gaping gap.

There is not much to talk about with Joe because he's such a moron. I don't know what he thinks he is, or why he thinks he exists. I guess in some lives lived, no one tells you what to be, and so you be nothing. In the olden days you were born into it, all decisions made, and you farmed until you died, or cleaned the royal toilets.

I guess they didn't have toilets. Just stuck their asses out and shat in the moat. But someone had to wash out the hole.

"If you lived in the olden times, what would you do?" I ask Joe.

Joe has to think about it. He is large, and his weight spreads from his belly across the seat, like it was a plastic sack full of liquid, rolling in layers upon itself.

"Which olden times?" he asks, and it's like a boar's grunt, a deep thing, from the thick part of his throat.

"Like, King Arthur, with knights and horses."

Fatass thinks. I can hear it, rust-worn gears flaking and groaning slowly into motion, even smell it, yellow smoke emanating from his skull.

"I'd be the king," he says.

"You can't be the king," I say. "No one is king. That's like winning the lottery."

"If I went back, I'd be king. And I'd fuck every virgin in the kingdom."

"You can't be king, asshole. You can't even be duke. The fact that you even said that shows you're not royalty. You're a peasant."

"Whenever people time-travel, they go back and they are friends with the king, or they are the king."

"Because those are stories. When people tell stories, they're always about the king, it's Aristotle crap. But it's not real."

"Neither is time travel."

"There are very few kings, and you certainly wouldn't be one of them."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you, Joe, you're an idiot."

"You're an idiot."

"I know," I say. And I am. I am friends with a slug, and my other friends are pigs and wolves. I never make friends with nice things, just the shit.

"If you were king, I'd kill myself," I say.

Joe sucks off his cigarette. It looks like the point of a golf tee in his fat, clenched paw.

He looks at me and the blue shadow-smoke drifts over the gate of his teeth like fog over a graveyard.

"Then you better die, mofucker, cuz I'm the king round these parts."

He smiles with rotten teeth like busted shingles, all climbing over each other, and yellowing gray teeth next to shit-colored gums just don't go together, and I think, Why don't you get some braces motherfucker and brush those dang things, but I don't really think about that too much because I'm thinking about something else, or at least getting ready to do something else, or already doing ...

And before I even know it, or can enjoy the new look on Joe's face, like a blubbery peekaboo face, so surprised, because I'm driving us right toward the vague beige shadow-filled wall, and I can only see and hear Joe for a second, a high-pitched thing that cracks for just a second, and for that second I'm with Joe's voice on a plateau in the black of space, wherever it is that noise cracks like that and decibels live, and then it's gone because there's the metal sound so loud and it's how I had always planned it to be, crunching, and a jerk and the front of my head is filled with the cold hollow sinus pain, the surprise punch in the nose that takes you back to childhood and there's an immediate link to every other time you ever had your nose hit, by a ball, by a head, by your own knee, and after the surprise it doesn't go away; but I'm still there and the tires behind me are screeching because my foot is still on the gas, and the car has gone a ways into the wall but it ain't going any farther, and I look over at fat shit, and there is blood rolling out of a slice in his forehead, and some blood coming out of his mouth, and I think that it's from the head gash until I see one of those teeth is now a black gap and he looks like a fat something-awful: hockey-player-pumpkin-cartoon-shithead, and he says,

"Why the fuck did you do that, Manuel?"

I laugh like crazy, a laughter that bubbles out like popcorn, because he looks so fucking silly, and because my name isn't even close to Manuel, that's his brother's name, his equally stupid older brother.

Joe just looks at me with that stupid look, covered in flowing blood, going onto his shirt like ketchup randomness, so much messier and more random than I could ever plan.

But I did paint those swirls, because I drove Grandpa's car into the wall.

For six months I drove around town with that busted car. The front was smashed. I replaced the lights, but they were crooked and looked in different directions, like Peter Falk's glass eye and real eye. I didn't care, and they, the cops or anyone, didn't catch me or pull me over. For a while.

I'm at work when I pass Joe on the way to the driving range. "Hey, Jack-O', we doing this thing tonight?" I say. We're friends again.

"Yeah," he says. "Hector has the good shit."

Everyone calls Joe Jack-O' now because he didn't get a replacement tooth. He kept the hole because he thought it made him unique, and he stopped being mad at me after he figured out he wanted the gap, and then we would laugh about me being so crazy driving into the wall, and I smiled when people would bring it up, but really it was a failure. If only I had driven right through into some other reality, but the DeVille was sturdy, and yes it was busted in the front, but not really as much as it could have been, and not so much that my parents got too suspicious when I said that another car backed into me.

Now me and Jack-O' are driving down the dark 280 freeway. Me and fat boy cruising. And I think about that missing tooth, and that gap, and how there was never a gap in that place before, and about three dimensions, and how the gap was on the inside of his mouth unless he opened his mouth and how things, shapes, folded in on themselves, and four dimensions, and if time is variable, then how do I vary it, and why do I want to? Because everything just focuses in on me and I hate it.

"If you were an Egyptian, what would you do?" I ask Joe.

"Don't start this shit again, Michael."

"Remember when you called me Manuel?"

"I never called you Manuel, idiot. I would be pharaoh."

"No, you're too fat. Pharaohs are skinny," I say.

"I don't want to be an Egyptian: pyramids and mummies and shit, and sand, and all that, fuck it, it's boring, man. I would be an Aztec, or a Mayan, like my peeps, and I'd cut your fucking heart out, homes."

Joe is Mexican. His skin is an ashy light brown and his lashes are heavier than mine, and he has short fat eyebrows and shit-brown eyes, and thick hair that flops about his fat pumpkin head.

I wish I was Mexican, or Hebrew, I mean Jewish, I mean Israeli, or Mexican Jewish, or Mexican Jewish gay, because it can be so boring being you sometimes, and if you were the most special thing like that, it could be really great, but maybe some people say the same thing about you, and you want to tell those people: "No, you're stupid, it's no fun being me."

"Maybe we should try it," I say.

"Michael, I'm serious, don't do something crazy just because we're talking about your olden-time things again, just let me the fuck out if that's what you're thinking."

"No, man, I'm just saying that maybe those Mayans were on to something. Maybe if we take someone's heart out and sacrifice it, then something special will happen."

I can tell that Joe is looking at me like he is trying to figure me out, and I know that he can't figure me out because he isn't laughing and he isn't arguing, he is just staring.

"Maybe we could take Hector's heart," I say.

We are going to see Hector over at Foothill, the junior college where I go to night school. He lives near there and sells us shit, and we're supposed to meet him in the corner of the parking lot. Hector isn't a scary guy, he has a nice-guy face, but he could probably fuck somebody up if he wanted to.

"Hector would fuck you up," says Joe.

"Not if I stabbed him in the stomach," I say, and I'm reaching under my seat with my left hand as I say this, and I pull out a foot-long kitchen knife and then I point it at Joe while I'm still driving.

"Fuck you Michael, fuck you Mike-al!" he screams and I laugh because he has funny inflections when he gets excited.

"Why do you have to be like this?" he says. "Why do you have to be Jack-the-Ripper psycho? Why do you have to be so crazy? I just want to buy some weed, I don't want to kill anyone, and I don't want to take their heart!"

"You said you wanted to, puta, so I'm just saying, then let's do it!"

"Don't call me puta, bitch! And put that fucking knife down! And watch the road!"

I poke the knife at him, at his fat stomach, lightly poking it with the tip, but he's wearing a puffy North Face jacket, so it doesn't stab him.

"Stop it!"

I love driving down an empty dark freeway, lit up intermittently by the lights at the side of the road, and when I see the lights, I think of all the little worlds out there, all the little animals living in their habitats out there, and how we could pull over and have an adventure at any one of these forgotten pockets of the world, just nothing zones, backwash refuse property in the wake of the great freeways, and I like passing all of them, racing down the freeway, like a tunnel into the night, and racing but still being able to carry on a whole action scene with Joe, and I think it is like life, because I am racing, and time is pushing me forward and it's not going to stop and I will have a few passengers in the vehicle with me, and it's either enjoy the scenery together, or listen to some music we both like, or maybe just have a little poking knife game because you want to know if the other person is really there.

We smoke with Hector and get so high. Finally he sold us some good shit. We smoke out of his mini dragon bong, out in the lightless corner of the Foothill parking lot. It's a pretty great spot, you just walk up the hill a little ways and it's under some weeping willows, and there is a small stream and brick edifices on the sides of that, and a faux altar constructed out of stones.

We smoke more and we cough every time. I think about the little dragon that the bong is and I so wish that dragons were real, because it would mean that none of this shit was the end of everything, because even if you were high, this world only let you escape a little bit, it let you escape enough that you knew that there could be something better, but it wouldn't let you into that place; like standing on the cloudy threshold of heaven and seeing something so bright and tantalizing and warmy-womby-feeling but not being able to enter, just feeling the heat a little on your face, and you want to cry and smile, but instead you just stare and you can't do anything.

"Hector," I say. I am lying on the altar thing and staring up through one of the willows, whose drooping, arcing branches are like jagged fissures in the sky. Hector is sitting against the base of the willow's trunk. "Would you rather be the pope or Pablo Escobar?"

Hector doesn't think long.

"Escobar, bitch, he gets to have all the fun."

"Pope gets to live in the Vatican, see Michelangelo all the time," I say.

"Escobar," says Joe. He is superhigh. He hogged more of the weed than Hector and I and he is hunched like a pile of trash against the base of the altar. His head hangs forward like a sleeping mule.

"Shut up, Joe," I say. "We know what you want. You want the knife."

"What knife?" says Hector.

"This puta wanted to cut out your heart with this knife," I say and hold up the knife for Hector to see. It reflects a little in the dark.

"If you try, I will fucking kill you, homes," Hector says to Joe. It seems like he's angry, but he's too tired and high to get really angry.

"I didn't say I wanted to ..." says Joe, but he doesn't finish.

"Fuck you, lardass," says Hector, and Hector and I laugh, and Joe shifts a little because he is angry, but he is too lazy to get up, so he just shifts around. He's still looking at the ground, but he says,

"No, Hector, this fucker is always asking me stupid questions and trying to kill me. He wanted to cut out your heart, homes. That's how I lost my tooth."

"No," says Hector. "You lost that because you are Jack-O' the jackoff."

We laugh.

Then we sit for a while not saying anything. I can feel their mind-killing slime thought rubbing on me and corroding me and killing me.

"Hector," I say.

"Yes," he says without looking up.

"Would you rather be gay or be a girl?"

He chuckles a little. Hector can be cool sometimes. Sometimes he is wise.

"Neither," he says.

"Just saying," I say. "If you had to choose because the genie said so, what would you choose?"

Joe, still looking at the dark dirt, says, "Both of 'em still have to suck dick."

"Exactly," says Hector. And Joe laughs a little, a chuckling pile of trash below me.

"Would that be so bad?" I say. "Don't you ever get jealous of those girls in pornos that get to be on their knees in the middle of all those dicks?"

"Are you fucking serious?" says Hector.

"Don't," says Joe. "This faggot is always asking stupid questions and giving stupid answers, he don't mean it."

"No," says Hector. "This faggot is serious." He's looking at me now, I can tell.

"Yeah," I say. "Don't you like the idea of an around-the-world blowbang?"

"I like to have a girl suck my dick, but I don't want to do it," says Hector.

"Me neither," says Joe, but he is mumbling.

"Why not?" I say. "What's the difference?"

"What's the difference?" says Hector. "Because I am going in, and she is being got inside of."

"And why is one better? Why does going inside make you better? Aren't you like on her turf inside her, isn't she in control of you? Like a mommy with her little baby making him feel good?"

"Because," says Hector. But he doesn't say anything else.

On the way home Joe and I are driving down the empty freeway. It's like two-thirty in the morning and we're still pretty high, and if I look up, directly at the road lights above us, I can see kaleidoscopic rainbows building and turning on top of each other in the core of the bulbs.

And I feel like I'm remembering all this from somewhere, but I'm not sure where, and everything is a little hazy, and I remember that there is an angel named Michael, and he had a flaming sword, and ...

I say to Joe,

"Let's drive the wrong way down the other side of the freeway."

Joe is almost asleep, but he says,

"Wha'?" and I can see the black gap just to the left of the center of his mouth.

"I'm going to go over on that side," I say.

And I think of the olden times, when knights would aim huge lances at each other and you would feel that when it hit you, feel that force of the momentum of the horses' pumping channeled into the lance, and for a second you might know that you were really alive. And a little ways down the freeway there is a gap in the center barrier, and I calmly turn the wheel and cross over.

i just think

2010-03-26T21:59:00.003-04:00

who the fuck else would have possibly wished their name were francesca?

two days ago i posted "i miss you and i wish i didn't"
did you know that was towards you?
your intuition is usually spot on..but really?

besides what i speculate on, i don't even know what happened and i never fought back and whenever someone would bring it up i just diverted it to something else, some things can be public. i wasn't about to go back and forth with it or let it develop to public interest as most things are. even though it did by itself, but whatever.

what i do know is that i'm sorry. genuinely. sometimes i felt that it was better, sometimes i felt stronger. sometimes i missed you. a lot of the time i missed you.

love/hate/
picking petals off a daisy and i hope it ends in our favor.

i guess we'll see how things go

i came on blogspot to post about something totally unrelated but this just came up and i'd been thinking about it hard for the past 3 or 4 days. guess the brain waves were aligned. it almost frightens me.

back to my original posting reason: Duke is missing. i could make a list of people(dogs included) that i see on a regular basis that i would be much less interested in finding. i liked Duke more than i ever liked Tomas (no offense, i feel like he knows that). Duke is not a street pit. i can't even conceptualize him not coming back. that house would never be the same in my eyes. come home baby boy

that i

2010-03-24T17:50:00.004-04:00

decided to try out gimp, a program i found. just cuz. created these, i like how they turned out, especially the last one because it looks like i'm hiding in the side.

for comparison, that's the original.
the pictures are fuzzy but oh well, i didn't take them.

going to go sit out on my porch, eat a strawberry freeze thing, smoke, put itunes on shuffle, and wait for drew to get here

eyes on fire

2010-03-24T16:25:00.003-04:00

poking around at the truth.
dig a little dirt. plant a little seed. now there's a little tree.
i could've built a forest by now. i never give them a chance.

as much as i might be an intentional saboteur, i don't want this to wither. i don't want us to die.

nice day today. i've been sleeping too much. went to lowe's a little bit ago to exchange the lightbulbs i got for the right size.

i miss my dog.

i miss you and i wish i didn't.

oh. boy.

2010-03-22T21:34:00.003-04:00

i wish i had access to that thing in men in black that they use to erase people's memories.

i was reading in my interpersonal relationships class about these graphs that show people's relationships as happy/unhappy and stable/unstable, according to their comparison levels, their comparison level alternative, and the outcomes. i can't go much into explaining it with much clarity. but i just feel like. i don't know.
whenever you ask me what's wrong i say i don't know. i do know i just don't know how to fit it into coming out the way i want it to.
i feel like crying right now. i think it's just the changes.
all of rachel and i's stuff is gone from the old house. i packed up the last of everything last night, we are officially out. brendan called me today, he's retarded, he was surprised that we were gone already.
situated in the new place. can't even begin to describe how fucking amazing it is. the tub is old and so deep and it's so relaxing.
i miss louis so much, especially coming home from work and waking up in the morning. i think that's what's bothering me more than anything..and is rubbing off on my feelings of everything else.
got my phone fixed to send/receive pictures. finally. not that i do either much of the time, but it's nice knowing i can.
cable guy came today. Lol at the fact that my comcast cable only includes basic channels which is like none but i can upgrade for $10 and get more. i knew there was a catch.
invested in the best modem on the market, and internet is crazy fast. paying off because my waffles upload speeds have improved substantially.
working almost everyday is taking it's toll on me.
i've been eating ahi tuna too much. i'm sure my mercury levels are way too high.
a little kid at my table meowed at me last night as i was walking away. i meowed back. hahaha. i feel like that was weird. but i got $9 on 40 so i guess his dad thought it was funny.
telling myself i'm going to get up early in the morning and study for this test i have in speech tomorrow. i hardly go to that class. i have to prepare a speech by thursday. no fucking idea what i'm going to do for that.

i can't tell if i'm repeating myself or not. persistent thoughts.

my fingers are so cold. the rest of me is fine.

listening to slow life by grizzly bear on repeat.

i just did something that surprised myself. hm.
the huge knot that formed in my stomach is a good indicator of where this is going. fuck

lovey dovey kissy huggy

2010-03-15T23:45:00.003-04:00

shit!
signed the lease on my new place today.
my mom sprung a bitch-move with telling me she wasn't paying for the pet deposit. $300 non-refundable. more than the gah damn dog himself was.
move-in start friday.

haven't seen drew in a couple days, since thursday or something. will tomorrow, fingers crossed. he was in the carolinas for shows this weekend, apparently he picked up louis a giant bruiser collar at some flea market, what a sweet daddy.

making plenty of coins at work, feels good.

spring breaks over tomorrow.

"choking on a dream"
-'you spelled dick wrong'

lol'd

2010-03-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

a few days ago my mom was rolling her eyes while she was on the phone.
she is not that person.

she doesn't want to deal with it anymore. neither do i..not in that way. soon it'll be done.thank god.
i feel like i keep washing my hands of this dirt and it keeps coming back. get off me.

she told me that it was just that i don't like people who have no character.

saw alice in wonderland in 3d the other night. i had thought that it would be ok, but it went way beyond my expectations.

start working again today. time off has been nice but i'm ready to get back to work.
very ready for the end of march.

told x to stop talking to me so what happens but he texts me even more. annoying.

my hair is back to dark brown, hoorah.

cannot wait to move in to my new place. people keep asking me if i'm moving in with a roommate or not. absolutely fucking not.

think i've convinced drew going to the cherry blossom festival would be a really fun idea. won't. but it's kitschy and idk, it'll be funny.

FUCK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

2010-03-11T18:11:00.002-05:00

just went to see an apartment and my mom put down the deposit immediately.
i am in love.
it's in a big old house, top floor on the corner, with a big balcony. and the inside is amazing. and large. two steps away from grady high school, literally down the street from piedmont park.

sososososososososo excited. this is a perfect location and a perfect place

:)

o rioght

2010-03-10T22:31:00.004-05:00

i clicked off repeat. that song was overplayed, and i never liked it much anyway.

this rain sucks. i've done nothing but be on the computer all day. and i hate that. i try to not be on it as much as possible (awkward sentence..) but eugh.
the good thing is i've got a lot of music downloaded. i love waffles.fm

My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to howl
My fingers claw your skin, try to tempt my way in
You are the moon that breaks the night for which I have to

"supposedly"

2010-03-10T17:53:00.004-05:00

loves electricity, but burns off gas / got a V8 pussy and a Cadillac ass.

i do what i do, i know what i know. i really don't care. burden yourself on your own time.

just when i think of turning the other cheek something reminds me that it will always be an eye for an eye.
i'll stick with it, come what may.

took about 10 shots of vodka in a window of maybe 20 minutes last night. hung around. passed out an hour later, woke up around 9am feeling fine and ready to start the day. no hangover. funny when that happens.

i don't work again until saturday, crazy to have 4 days of no responsibilities.
contemplating whether i should buy season 2 of mad men or not.

pseudo-alpha. lol much?

SAY IT AINT SO!!??!?!!
i am just weeping with shame and i h8 myself and my wicked ways.

pause

naaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhht.

2010-03-09T11:44:00.001-05:00

And on her forehead a name was written: MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND OF THE ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. I saw the woman, drunk with the blood of the saints and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus. And when I saw her, I marveled with great amazement

come harder

2010-03-01T15:13:00.002-05:00

this ain't a shoulder with a chip or an ego
but what you think they all mad at me for

poor street pit

2010-02-28T16:53:00.002-05:00

i saw one roaming around an hour or two ago. i should've stopped but i had somewhere to be. i hope he/she is ok.

dog park again yesterday. buncha weirdos and wacky dogs. i'm becoming a regular.

"DONT DO IT"
good advice. i decided not to go down that path. mostly fate decided it for me i guess.
got home thursday night around 4.i lay down to got to bed and drew calls me 30 seconds later to tell me he's gotten in a wreck. his car was totally fucked. my heart was racing, i haven't been that way in quite a while. anything could've happened to him, luckily he wasn't hurt at all. slept for an hour. got up and drove up there, slept for 2 more hours maybe, then got up and took him to work. came home. went out. went to work. went to pick him up after work. came home. let louis out. went back up there, got there around 2:30ish. got up at 9 to take him to work. it's been a long two days. work tonight and i'm off tomorrow. i guess i'll go browsing.

remind myself to go by the grocery store when i get home.
why have all my tampons disappeared? i bought a box of 20 about 2,3 months ago. i have my period 3 days a month. i use maybe 3, 4 at most. 4x3=12. where the fuck did they all go? i even had a single one left and it disappeared a few days ago. seriously? there's one left and you take it?
i'm not blaming my roommate, it could've been people i have had over or etc.. but still, fuck that.

doodling on everything.
listening to husker du.

i know

2010-02-23T17:21:00.001-05:00

you want me.

i know you care about me.

i don't know how it would work.

their jaws would be in the floor.

i almost would, just for the laugh.

2010-02-23T17:01:00.002-05:00

yesterday was not nearly as bad as i thought it was.

the two guys who randomly texted me to ask me how it went were not my boyfriend.
surprise.

watching my dog sleep on the couch. little angel. the guy from the house called yesterday, he was nice about it all but the insurance will immediately drop him if they find out about the dog. he said he'd love to have me if i didn't have the dog, that he could 'come visit', even though he knew i was attached to him.
uhhh yes. i am. i would feel worse about giving my dog away than i would having a late-term abortion. point blank, not happening.

you are retarded so i pity you but that pity is disgusting to me. you disgust me. the most simple of simple.

why is everyone going to jail.

"today seems like a coffee day at barnes and noble" franco? why are you saying that..

i firmly believe that everything moves in circles, and i'm not talking about karma.

i didn't go to school today and i'm contemplating whether i want to go for my last class or not. not. i don't think i have time anyway.

just 'one of those days'. ugh. i hate that phrase.

i'm torn between here and there.
i don't want to keep beating a dead horse but
god i miss the way you hold me.

i don't understand why no one is happy unless they're pissed off at something/someone. because they are boring and lead boring lives and the only way they find pleasure is to shit on someone else. weird and depressing.

the next 3 or 4 days everything is going to be decided.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

2010-02-21T13:31:00.002-05:00

i'm supposed to be having some surgery thing tomorrow. i had a paper of stuff i was supposed to be doing before, as in today, like taking some medicine and shit idk but i can't find it. basically i can't eat today at all and i can't eat tomorrow until after that shit is done. and i am getting grumpy.

haven't talked to drew since thursday. and i refuse. fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. fighting isn't fun. i really don't give a shit.

i've been being bad anyway.

i haven't been making shit at work, it's been so slow.
i was riding around with my mom yesterday and we stumbled upon a house. the most beautiful perfect house in the most awesome location. it's not cheap, at all. she said she'd get it as long as i promised i went to school this summer. so i agreed. fuck it. but then we called the landlord and he doesn't allow 'aggressive' dogs-pitblls, dobermans, german shepards, blah blah because of insurance. i guess if they bit someone his insurance would drop him.
i had to go to work but my mom took louis over there hahah, to persuade him i guess. something that handsome will not cause trouble. which, he wouldn't. louis mouths sometimes, but he's growing out of that and he'd never attack someone, i've never even seen him get legitimately aggressive; too rambunctious, maybe, when he was playing when he was younger. anyway, i really really want to move in there. we'll see.

told josh i'd go to the oiler show so i did. first time i've ever worn my bcbg kimono dress. i wore my leather jacket so you can't see the sleeves which are really huge and make it look a little too theatrical. with black tights and my banana republic wedges that i hardly ever wear and the wood looked really good with the kimono print. not to toot my own horn but..that outfit is really cute. free beer is a plus, got funny after 2 1/2 cups hah. went to j.r.crickets and ate hot wings (last supper)& mozzarella sticks ("they had popped"). took ryan home. surprisingly made it home and passed out. all in all a good night.

i don't know what i'm going to do if i can't find this fucking paperrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

my phone just turned off when i went to text this person. that should be a sign. like i'd listen...
nope. not listening. conversation started.

two steps ahead.

what d'ya reckon

2010-02-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

god i feel awful. hung over or getting sick or both.
went to go look at a duplex close to where i used to live today. kinda funny. the backyard sucked but it was an interesting place. cool. i might be into it, i might not be. my mom's supposed to be coming up here tomorrow so we'll see. the landlord looks like a rockabilly rapist with a huge beard so that's a plus.

skipped class and took louis to piedmont park with ryan yesterday. good call. the weather was really nice. louis loved playing with all the dogs and he was very well behaved, i plan to start taking him there more, especially with the weather getting nicer.

carlie and emily came over last night. went over to josh's and made faces at each other until it was time to leave. came home to do the real biznez of drinking. vodka&sprite, i love you.
drew came over. i was definitely drunk because i fell asleep right after i laid down in bed. unusual.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to remove this sneer from my face.

sometimes this. and sometimes that. and blahdeblah hey how about i will always not give a shit.

irrelevant.

how much dick would a woodchuck suck of a woodchuck could get ahead by doing so.
euphemism.
get lost.

the mariana trench

2010-02-17T13:37:00.003-05:00

"fuck me, fuck you. simple choice, really."

i can't help but roll my eyes at everything everyone has been saying lately.
'detached' is the only adjective that is ever positively right.
oooookayyy. i will pretend to listen to you if it helps you feel better.

i'm too apathetic to be mad or bummed or happy towards anything.

it's funny and sad how close people think they are to me. or that i care.
i don't care. trust me.

i'm not even trying to be rude at all, i don't choose to be this way.

the only person who makes me feel like i'm maybe alive is drew. i don't know what i would do without him, which is not trying to be cute and romantic, i honestly have no idea.

staring straight ahead.

everybody wriggle. everybody wriggle. it's maggot mayhem.
get me out of here.

i am shiva.

2010-02-16T12:28:00.001-05:00

i feel like tearing everything and everyone apart.

i wouldn't say i'm unhappy. just fed up.

aghhh

2010-02-13T22:52:00.002-05:00

alexander mcqueen died. i'm so more than certain my toe is broken from kicking the wall as i ran after louis. fuckin dahg.

bought weed that i haven't even smoked. franco wants me to come over but i don't really want to do that. went to work which was gay as expected. i wish i would get fired but i don't suck and i never quit jobs.

thursday after i got to drew's my car battery apparently died. so i was stuck there. and it fucking snowed. which was pretty cool i guess. kinda. was there. made dinner for him last night, my first time doing that. funny. i could tell he was happy about it and it turned out well and i felt cute and wifey. etc. etc. blah blah i'm happy haha. valentine's day tomorrow. his phone randomly fucked up and quit working on thursday too. so. idk if i'll even see him. maybe he'll just show up after work or something, idk, since we're both working. but that's stupid but eh. whatever.

my toe really fucking hurts. i've been on the verge of throwing up all day.

oh yeah

2010-02-11T13:54:00.003-05:00

last night i talked to chris and we were talking about tattoos, he says he thinks he's going to get a harry potter tattoo one his leg with "i solemnly swear i'm up to no good" and i said that if i ever got one it would probably be "mischief managed". we both came to these conclusions on our own.

nerd true love.

tssssssssssssssssssssssssss. ps ps ps.

nearly now

2010-02-11T13:33:00.003-05:00

it's kind of whatever..i mean, if i cared, i'd be bummed. but i don't really care.
it's just sad realizing someone is shitty but then again you always knew they were shitty.
i guess it's like...i would've cared at the time. but now i don't care. but it sucks knowing i would've cared at the time.

i talk and still laugh with you and you talk to me a little too much and squeeze me a little too hard when you hug me which you insist on and i'm pretty sure s/he picks up on it.

i tried with that but it didn't work and so it can eat me, i really don't care. the story of my life and that's just the way it is. maybe i wouldn't want it any other way.

it's been almost a year since my dad died.
funny how much can change in a year. i haven't really thought about it until now.

i thought about texting you just now but i don't really see what the point would be. hey you're a shithead. well you know that and i know that and everyone knows that so i guess i'll leave it be.
i just want to know why and i guess maybe that's what sucked me in to the black hole that is you all along. why do you do this, what's wrong with you? because there is definitely, most certainly, something really fucked up with you.
i want to rummage around in your brain and playback your life to find out what went wrong. why do you do this to yourself and people.
life is pain and you are a pain. therefore you are my life..
no. not at all. if i was weaker, or more blind. maybe. but that's someone else.

i wish you would let me love you. not that i'm in love with you. i think i just have mothering-love tendencies when it comes to lost-boys and you are candidate number one.

peter pan, please grow up.

i want you

2010-02-08T13:58:00.001-05:00

just exactly like i used to.

baby this is only bringing me down

four kicks

2010-02-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

i have mine and you have yours. no wait..i have mine and yours. hmm.

smoked weed with franco two nights ago hahah. love him. we talked about how we should've done stuff like that when we were younger. woulda coulda shoulda. he passed out early and i played streetfighter with mike for like 2 hours.

went to hang out with some old girls last night. emily dyed her hair brown lol. i might go back to blonde, or darker, i can't make up my mind so i guess i'll stay in limbo. not for much longer i hope.
fucked up on cheap vodka playing that game where you write names on cards and put them on your head. we used henry county people, i can't tell you how funny this was..and i'm pretty sure it was legitimately funny and not just drunk funny. ahhh.
kenny and drew came over and we smoked weed haha. blabbed with carlie for so long.
hanging out with these people is a time warp, i feel 15 again. i can't believe we've all known each other for almost 5 years now.
was staying at summer's house, which used to be where her now deceased grandparent's lived. i slept in some random crazy room with a bunch of packrat shit in it. woke up in this morning and wandered out. i love that feeling. being groggy and hungover and waking up somewhere that takes you a few seconds to register where you are. slipping around the house to find your keys and an exit. i don't know why. i just feel very alive and conscious.

superbowl tonight. 0 care. i have to work in an hour. hopefully i'll make some money.

i'm meltingggggggg

2010-02-05T02:27:00.003-05:00

this rain sucks. i feel like god's pissing on me.

i talked to chris today and made myself cry. that's always fun. blah blah blah. so what if that should've been me. yeah i fantasize about dropping everything and moving in with you. ok so one day i'll get married to someone that won't be you and have kids that won't be yours and all sorts of things that should be with you but it won't be. can't or won't? both maybe. i was completely unhappy in that relationship 99.9% of the time. so why do i give a fuck? i don't really know. i'm not all too sure on the 'true love' thing, or soulmates really. but i do believe that out of everyone that i've ever met i feel more complete and free to be myself around him. no doubt he drives me insane and i think he's batshit crazy. but, fuck. so am i and i know i drove him insane too. so i don't really know if we were meant to be together but the whole 'twin soul' thing... i can dig that. anyway, he's in dumpy macon and i'm in atlanta and i'm dating one of his ex-best friend and he is supposedly dating a missing-link she-chimp (YES i can fuck someone's bff and still be bitter...) so i really don't see things going anywhere and i don't really want them to go anywhere anyway because i know they wouldn't go anywhere....you dig.

anyway, my real live snookie is mia in new orleans for the weekend. fun. not. i miss him already. as much as i'm sometimes caught up in thoughts of my ole sampson i wouldn't trade drew for anyone in the world. amidst his other charming qualities he's a hilarious drunk. the other night he had consumed a good 8 or 9 pbrs and idk maybe 5 shots of whiskey. i got sassed around about the freemasons (LOL), how i drive him insane, my transgressions in accusing him of something, how he cares about me, comparing apples to oranges and getting into an argument. putting a towel down... i can't really describe it in much detail but the huge content smile i have on my face as i look back on it is really enough.

i went in to Ulta today to get nail polish remover ($2.50) and came out $76 less. fuck me.

currently on the taco bell diet. aka their food is so laced with salmonella that 1 out of 3 times i end up throwing it up. blaaaaaaachk.

it's 3:24 and i'm not sleepy and i'm wearing fake eyelashes for no real reason.

i made friends with 2 really (Really) hot asian girls today in two separate classes. i don't know what they means other than i have a thing for asian girls (really).

i'll leave you with this

_~~~PeRfEcT++:}

yeah i've been drinking

uhhh

2010-02-02T00:02:00.002-05:00

schnooooo. you can step right on back there roly poly.

that kinda irks but then again fuck it. totally untwu anyway right. right. haha.

crazy fucking shit happens to me and my friends and people i know and yadda yadda. i'm living in a neverending episode of the hills. i wish it was a little more relaxed but i guess that's just how it is and at least i've learned how to deal with it.

i couldn't fucking sleep at all last night. go ahead and roll my eyes at that haha. ugh. talked to ryan who luckily was in vegas to be awake at retarded hours. i fell asleep around 7:30 but had to wake up at 8 anyway. in an awful mood when i went to the doctors. only to learn i have to 1. go through some cleansing thing which will be as awful as it sounds i'm sure. 2. have dye inserted through a needle in my arm and then have x-rays 5, 10, 15, and 20 minutes later to track it's progress through my kidneys. what the fuck?

i always play my hand as close to my chest as possible. i just don't understand some people. but i guess do your own thing. i hope it turns out well for you. if not it won't be from me, that i know. and i do hope it does..turn out well. the lake's full of piranhas and you're going skinny dipping. lol.

i bitched at drew and got deservedly bitched at in response. haha. fuck. i know he's annoyed but i feel like he'll get over it. he's leaving for new orleans this weekend, buhh.

i talked to kaleb today, he told me he missed me. which is good because i've missed him too.

i gave louis a bath and cleaned his ears. he's so legit right now. by far the most handsome dog i know.

by magick.

2010-01-30T16:19:00.003-05:00

today is chris' birthday. i told him happy birthday. we're talking. just blah blah. kinda awkward because i don't know at what point it would/should stop.
i told drew last night i'd told him happy birthday. it's not like he really cares but this talking.. it makes me feel awkward.

i went over there just to sleep last night. weird him waking up and going to work and i go back to sleep and wake up in his room without him. it's a funny feeling. not bad. i sense him around me because all of his stuff is there. i'd rather him be there too.

talking to ryan. it'll be cool when he's home. his comments on things make me laugh.

i've been putting a lot of stuff into perspective lately.

louis such a little shit. i'd be lying if i said i didn't love him being the terror that he is. right now he's prancing around with the remnants of what were my old nikes in his mouth.

this girl asked me if she could pick up my shift tonight. i declined. i haven't worked in like a week. i can't tell if i really want to or not but i know i should.

"i like murder by death..."

"i've cried at the ending to them all"

hand me down my pants and get me off this street

netflix

2010-01-29T15:50:00.002-05:00

i'm weird and signed up for netflix like 3 months ago and they sent me my movies and..i still have the same ones. i haven't bothered to send them back. idk why. now i feel awkward about it. but, they do have an awesome online collection of television/movies to stream instantly onto my computer. every single episode of the office? thank you very much.

party last night. i drove there. drew drove home. my bed sheets are fucked up. a har har.

someone asked me where i've been at. someone asked me why i'm never home.

i like it that way.

i actually am at home now and i don't have school or work and it's kind of weird but i like it.

my results from the hospital were that i don't have any cysts or tumors on my bladder/kidneys. good... i still have to go back for more tests and shit but whatever. until then i'm on a lowdose of antibiotics that i'm supposed to be taking once a day for a while. the doc told me it wouldn't interfere with my birth control. let's fucking hope.

drew's haircut looks good.

why won't bankofamerica.com upload..............

say something real

2010-01-27T00:31:00.003-05:00

i don't listen to rap much as a genre, other than shaking it around at parties etc. but drake is definitely an exception to this. he's slick and comprehensible with smart verses. no soulja boy shit.

i can't think of a more appropriate song right now. and the track after this one, little bit, has been in my head for days last night i looped it at least 20 times.

Why do I feel so alone
Like everybody passing through the studio
Is in character as if we acting out a movie role
Talking bullshit as if it was for you to know
And I don't have the heart to give these
Bitch ass niggas the cue to go

So they stick around kicking out feedback
And I entertaining as if I need that
I had a talk with my uncle and he agreed that
My privacy about the only thing I need back
But it's hard to think of them polite flows
Mr. fano poloto suits on your night clothes
And jordan sweat suits are your flight clothes
And you still make it even when they say your flight closed

Eyes hurting from the camera phone light shows
Life was so full
Now this shits just been lipo-ed
Always said I'd say it all on the right track
But in this game u only lose when you fight back
Black diamond bracelets
Showing you the basics
I can't live and hold the camara
Someone gotta tape dis

I make hits and like a bitch
Just married I ain't miss
24 hours from greatness
I'm that close to
Don't ever forget the moment
You began to doubt

Transitioning from fitting in to standing out
Los angeles, cabanas or atlanta south
Watchin home shows
Embarrassed to pull my camera out

And my mother embarased
To put my phantom out
So I park about 5 houses down
She said I shouldn't have until I have the crown
But I don't wanna feel the need to wear disguises around
So she wonder where my mind is and counts in the minus

But yet I'm rolling round the fuckin city like your highness
Got niggas reactin without a sinus
Cause what I'm working with is timeless

And promoters trying to get me out to they club
And say I have fun but I can't imagine how
Cause I just see my ex-girl
Standing with my next girl
Standing with the girl that I'm fuckin right now

And shit could get weird unless they all down
And so I stay clear
We from a small town
And everybody talks and everybody listen
And somehow the truth just always comes up missing

I've always been something dat these lables can't buy
Especially if they tryin to take a peice of my soul
And still b only tellin tales "damn drake fly"
And he just be like "silly mother fucker I know"

That was your bad
How could you pass up on em?
He just take the records
And he gas up on em
Wayne will prolly put a million cash up on em
Surprised no one ever put your ass up on em

Oh they did pole
At least they try to
And that's what happens
When you spitting what's inside you
But slip up and shoot the wrong fucking video
And they think they can market you
However they decide to naww

Before they told me to do me
And don't listen to anybody that knew me
Cause who of known me would
Mean that there's a new me
And if you think I've changed in the slightest
Could of fooled me

But into my city I'm da 2-3
Drug dealers live vicariously through me
I quit school and is not because I'm lazy
I'm just not the social type
And campus life is crazy understand

I could get money with my eyes closed
Lost some of my hottest versus down at cabo
So if you find a blackberry with the sides scroll
Sell that mothafucka to any rapper that I know

Cause they need it much more than I ever will
I got new shit
I'm gettin better still

Little niggas put my name in their verses
Cause they girlfriend put my ass on a pedestal
Future said cause it's ye shit you better kill
And I think it's got them making of a legend feel
Problem with these other niggas they
Ain't never real

Yea... that's all I can say

date night

2010-01-19T21:48:00.002-05:00

getting ready.

school is good. job is good. friends are good.

things are good.

listening to la roux, right now it's on bulletproof. appropriate.
i don't care.

i feel like i'm on the horizon

sims 3

2010-01-16T22:46:00.001-05:00

i bought it today...

Set one of your female Sim's traits to Kleptomaniac. Go to the graveyard, and have the Sim steal male remains. On the second day after putting the male remains in your home, a ghost will appear at 11:00 p.m. and disappear at 4:00 a.m. It will appear every other day. Socialize with the ghost every night it appears. When you become best friends with the ghost, it will begin appearing every night. Get the "Fertility" reward. Confess your attraction to the ghost. Ask to snuggle on the bed, and kiss him. Try for a baby every night until you start throwing up. You will now have a ghost baby that you can control.

party in the usa

2010-01-14T00:29:00.003-05:00

ryan just got me to look at twitvid.com. why? because the 2nd most popular video on there is from the tagged 'atlanta hardcore dance party'

hahahah. so ridiculous. fortunately this was before i was dragged on stage and helddown&dryhumped/given a lapdance/ decided to say fuckit and shake it to biggie and nelly.

last night was surprisingly really fun. every time i think about it i start laughing

spring semester 2010

2010-01-12T12:32:00.002-05:00

for some reason my AP credit for american government wasn't on my..profile. idk. but i went to the counselor people and now i don't have to take it. niiiioooce. which means my first class is now at 11. even nicer.

anyway, lol so hard. really? gawd.

i've got the code and i've got the book. what does that leave you with?
Nothing.

^_^

2010-01-11T17:00:00.004-05:00

i couldn't tell you how satisfied i am.

i hung out with my mom all day yesterday. she is my best friend. i've thought about moving home a lot. i probably wouldn't if it weren't for my dad not being there. it makes me sad that she goes to sleep alone most nights. for the most part i don't like falling asleep by myself. though i do enjoy waking up by myself a good bit.

i'm never really alone anyway. louis is always there. and if for some reason he's not it means i'm off somewhere with someone.
anyway, moving home. it has it's pros and cons. i'm not too much seriously considering it. i guess i just get the sense that i'm really growing up. moving back wouldn't change any of that. i would not mind the home-cooked meals every night though.

saw drew last night, after tonight he will officially be back for good. watched funny people. it was a good movie, most adam sandler movies are. too long though. i did not want to be watching movies. i love our talks before we fall asleep. i love waking up in the morning to him. it was cold in the apartment so he put another blanket on top of me and tucked me in before he left. he did a load of laundry at my house the other day, i folded everything and paired his socks before i took it over there. i felt very wifey-type.
it's funny how things turn out. if someone had told me in june of 2008 that in a year and a half i would be in love with the guy helping my boyfriend move in to his new apartment i would've been very puzzled.

school starts tomorrow and for some reason i am very excited.

it's fairly nice outside. i think i'm going to walk my pup.

b2

2010-01-10T14:23:00.003-05:00

it may not be photo op. but it's real.

i appreciate you and love you.

b2, and i like the quick cut. bleed out.

i like blogspot, i wouldn't say i'm stopping. but i know i'm at my best when i'm at my worst. the internet is stupid and since i've been mostly without it for over 6 months now, i'm trying not to get too sucked back in to it. living all day staring at this screen lurking is a sad life which i want no part of. i guess you grow up and you learn. just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. feeding in to someone's sad bullshit life is exactly what they want you to do. and what and who you thought were one thing, or at least were stable, because you realized long ago how it really was, aren't that thing. and no i don't believe in second chances but every once in a while people deserve a chance to begin with. it's hard to step in someone else's shoes. it's easy to talk shit without thinking anything of it. when i think of all the people i come in contact with every day at work, and i do this a lot while i'm driving too, of all the people out on the road. who all have families and dreams and friends and enemies and are worrying about something. the people who would cry if they turn up dead. the tiny tragedies that go on in their lives and their parents and their parent's parents. it's just hard to cope with. sympathy is easy, empathy isn't. i've learned how to take care of myself, i feel like i'm growing up right. i am ready to admit when i'm wrong. i am ready to assert that you are wrong.

they say one man is the parachute and the other is the knife that cuts the brake.
they say one man is the accident and the other is the hand that stops the blood.

i've been alive 7,129 days and today i can feel all of them.

well hello

2010-01-09T12:30:00.002-05:00

drew got home yesterday. he's gone today for florida but he'll be back tomorrow night.
so so good. everything i wanted it to be.

he's everything i want someone to be.

2010-01-06T21:50:00.001-05:00

The city called me so I came
It isn't mine to question what it said
I sleep until the point when I'm awake
I walk until there's nothing left to trek
And everyone is looking for an answer
And everyone is waiting for a break
I came and I was bored of it soon after
But I had nowhere to go and so I stayed
I dreamed a lifetime of this place
It seemed an awful thing to waste
Well the morning fills my mouth up with decay
I like it, it reminds me how you taste
Sometimes I feel you rising up behind me like the wind
But I still try to look away
What will you look like when you're old?
(What will you look like when you're old?)
What will I do if I don't know you?
(What will I do if I don't know you?)
I guess that I decided not to ask the day I took the road
Down to the city as it called
Sun making silhouettes of gauze
I don't remember you at all
The city called me and I came
It isn't mine to question why
Sometimes the clouds will rise ahead, I hear your name
It's like a choir in the sky
What will you look like when you're old?
(What will you look like when you're old?)
What will I do if I don't know you?
(What will I do if I don't know you?)
I guess that I decided not to know the day I took the road
Down to the city as it called
Sun making silhouettes of gauze
I don't remember you at all
They pulled a human from my waist
It had your mouth, it had your face
I would have kept it if I'd stayed.

it's not the heat,

2010-01-06T16:53:00.003-05:00

it's the humidity.

i just let out a sigh. i'm too tired of this. i won't swim. i'd sink. but actually i always just float.

the fact is. i don't care.

(what was here is deleted. i decide to not talk. blogspot isn't to be used like that.)

yeah yeah yeah, i fucking get it. cry me a river, but really just leave me be.

waxing

2010-01-04T21:58:00.003-05:00

"your hooha?"

lol'd. things that seem easier than they actually are:

girls =drama drama drama. ovurr it.
you can -me. i won't have any part of this dumb shit.

i want my boyfriend to come home.
no, not that one, he's not my boyfriend. or him, he's not either. fuck what you heard.

i really really really want my boyfriend to come home.

i am smooth.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

don't like it? eat me.

shooph

2009-12-25T11:05:00.002-05:00

writing this from my new laptop. finally.

so excited to start downloading music.
i should probably invest it instead, but i got a lot of money from christmas and i feel like i want to get a new ipod to get my music life back on track. i just don't know whether i want the new touch, which has the internet and all that stuff, or the 160, because i (did) have so much music, and will again. hmhmhmmmm.

louis been driving me insane lately.

i sat at the adult table for the first time in my life last night. haha. i didn't mind it.

loving my friends. surprisingly grown really close to someone in a short period of time.

not loving my boyfriend(?) i can't tell if he is or isn't. more like, if i want him to be or not. i just don't like the stress of dealing with dumb boyfriend-girlfriend bullshit. and just his bullshit in general.

best christmas gift: i kept hope. 3.2 gpa fuck yeah. i really thought i was going to fail geology, but i got a c-. that's way better than failing. b- in one psych class and an a in the other one. haiiioooooo.

i'm too busy stumbling to pay attention anymore

ALRIGHT

2009-12-13T23:26:00.003-05:00

alright...

rachel gave me the stomach flu. lol. she said it was food poisoning from the ru san's we ate. i disagree, because if so, i should've had symptoms at the same time as her, not 24 hours after.

anyway, i kept waking up last night. finally around 5 i started throwing up. a lot. i threw up so many times i lost count. throwing up what wasn't there. just dry heaving. and other stuff that happens when you're sick. ha haaa.
i couldn't move, so i called my mom around 8. she came and finally around 3 i stopped yakking. around 7 she took my back to mcdonough. and here i am. i haven't ate anything in like more than a day. but today i ate some rice and soup and two pieces of toast. awesome.
anyway, life was put on a pause. that party didn't happen.
i got testy with my boss on the phone. she tells me i have to get a doctor's excuse. that's bullshit. i won't have symptoms by tomorrow, because its a 24 hour bug. fuck her. i don't want to spend 30 dollars on not shit. my mom told me i shouldn't get an attitude. 0 care. i don't much have a problem with authority, if this were dereck this wouldn't be an issue. but i respect dereck. and he wouldn't treat me like i'm some punkass employee cutting work to go do something.
i missed the office christmas party, which was tonight. boo hoo. 0 care. i love who i work with but i dislike deteriorating the line between work and my real life.

i forgave drew for being a dumbass. had to. i like him too much. and i knew he was genuinely sorry for being a dumbass.
on the way back from this party we went to a party for his friend who had graduated, he was driving messing around and he slammed on the brakes. i wasn't wearing my seatbelt and my legs were up in the seat and i went flying in to the windshield. huge cracks in it. from my fucking head. amazingly, it didn't hurt. and i was a little drunk, but not that drunk. it scared me though. we both lol'd really hard. idiots.
drunkenly tells me how happy i make him. how happy he is. how glad we're together. lol, ole teddy bear.

so many people texted me yesterday and today asking how i felt. good friends.
half my family called too, especially my grandparents calling like every 6 hours. good family.

i read editions of southern living and good housekeeping all day.

through facebook i saw that some girl i went to high school with died. somehow, i don't know how. she was a bitch, and a whore. still, that sucks. you know....you know.

funny how you can dislike someone, and they mutually dislike you, and then somehow for whatever reason you start being cool to one another. and then find out you have 954934 things in common. i guess that's how it always goes.

things i want: my hair to be darker. that'll happen soon.

my head's been hurting for more than a day now.

also under unusual circumstances i became really good friends with someone who i was already friends with. but not this much. and it's nice. and ironic. and nice.

and etc. etc. life is ill so i can't help but be boring and happy.

tee la dee.

goodnight

it's not you

2009-12-04T12:17:00.002-05:00

it's me.

no wait....

i kiss harder than you.

i really realize i am...heartless. i just don't put up with bullshit.
i like you, i really do. but i love myself, and if there's one thing i don't put up with it's that.
cannot. or will not. or both.

december 2nd sucked for so many reasons but looking back i'm kind of laughing at how much could go wrong in one day.

i talked to ryan and josh about it. i did not talk to x about it. when they mentioned it in front of him he sat staring at me. i could feel his eyes peering at me before i even turned to look. of course i didn't tell him. i can't tell you how uncomfortable it was for him to do that. and how pissed off i was for him to look at me like that. he knows he knows he knows. he knows me better than any of them. fuck you for that.

"you have to think, are you going to marry this person? NO. you're not. so why the fuck would you waste 2 seconds being upset over some bullshit" quoting the ghetto.

things that are bothering.
1. mr.1 making references to why i don't text him to hang out
2. mr.2 asking me to hang out.

cause the truth of the matter is, replacing you is so easy...

not really. i don't want to be like that. i did hear irreplaceble while driving to school today though and laughed.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. i wish i knew what to do.

2009-12-01T16:02:00.002-05:00

thanksgiving was fun. funny.
i don't really care about updating this much.

i don't mean to be sketchy, i hardly ever am. but i was. sorry. really really sorry.

so i missed my geology exam. i knew it was today, i just convinced myself it wasn't. went to the doctor to play sick. i'm not sick at all. hoping one of the little kids will cough in my mouth real quick. i fake a list of symptoms and he tells me i have a sinus infection and writes me a prescription for antibiotics and an excuse note for today and tomorrow. lol.

drew asked me to go to his friend's engagement party with him in two weeks. that's kind of a big deal. excited i get to pick out a new party dress lol

what could he possibly see in you?
in our comparison you come out more than a little short.
if you for some wack reason decide he would be interested please initiate contact, i'll enjoy the laugh i get when he tells me about it.
try and fuck with me and i will put you in your place quicker than you can suck more dicks in the atlanta scene.

seeing jill tonight. good

i found it!

2009-11-26T01:58:00.002-05:00

hahahaha. none of it matters newayz.

i wonder if it's the same?
i kind of would not like that. i kind of would like that.

:X

i like it

2009-11-25T23:41:00.003-05:00

when things are going wrong. right now everything is so perfectly perfect that i know it can't stay like this forever.

monday was the best day i've had in who knows long.
felt alright about my test at school. final day of class. had a good easy day at work. kaleb got me the exact bedframe from ikea i wanted. hung out with drew and he told me how much he cares about me and doesn't want to lose me.

eeeeep. ok can i please digress on that for a second. there is NO ONE that makes me act like a giddy little girl. but i can't help it. i was blushing and at a loss for words. for two weeks we were on the rocks and i had basically written our relationship off. my mom told me to stick my neck out and i did and i told him how i felt and tried to fix things and it worked and now this and god. it's just good to know he feels the same way. we have such a good relationship. not crazy, not apathetic. just right. and it just seems..easy. i am so glad he is in my life.

thanksgiving is going to be awesome. i can't wait to see the rest of my family tomorrow. i can't wait to eat.

i moved all of my stuff with the help of ryan and the foundation van yesterday. two things that made moving so much easier than i thought it was going to be. painted my room with my mom today. i like spending time with her like that and we're really good at painting.

oh fuck. which reminds me of this:
i'm in lowe's with my mom, looking at paint colors. i hear someone say "gahddamn" behind me. figure it's some nasty black dudes. ignore. wait 45 seconds and turn around to glance at what creep said it. oooooo who is it but grant and chris. they're down the aisle. a minute later they come back and i stand there shaking my head. they did NOT know it was me they were hollering at. how embarassing. what goons. the coincidence of that is crazy.

louis sleeping in his cage in the middle of the living room. at my mom's house. he looks so out of place in here. it's so clean.

my grandma hasn't seen my hair since it's been brown. which is sad because it's been like this at least 6 weeks and i wish i saw them more. and i wonder what she's going to say about it.

oh yeah. i got voted "coolest girl" by way of tally system. hahahah. i hate them. "with great coolness comes great drama" shut upppppppppppp. i will have NO part of it.

nothing is stressing me out. sooo weiiiiiirdddd.

ugh

2009-11-19T13:21:00.002-05:00

things are looking up.
i miss my friends from high school. actually just claire and ginger. which i will be seeing soon but still.

most of my family i haven't seen in forever. i just realized i haven't even seen my grandparents since i changed my hair color. i know my grandma will have something to say.

i can't fucking wait until thanksgiving. i think it's my second favorite holiday next to halloween. i love my family, love food, and like hanging out without the extra shit that comes with christmas that can sometimes be stressful.
i can't believe this time last year my dad was still alive, but more than that at how quickly everything happened. diagnosed in september, by this time he was hardly able to get out of the bed, and was in a wheelchair/scooter thing. whatever they are. he and my mom came to my grandparent's but didn't stay the whole time.
i never actually thought he would die. but then again i still don't really think that he's dead. i wouldn't be surprised at all if i walked in the door one day and he was there. it really just sucks. i don't want to do all of this holiday stuff without him. i just don't want my mom to be upset. i plan on being home a lot next month.

it's louis first christmas, lol. he's fucking insane. i have to take him to meet the landlord of the new place on saturday. i think i might give him some benadryl first to take the edge off. two months ago he couldn't jump up on the bed and now he put his paws on the counter. tons of extra skin still left, i don't know how much bigger he's going to get. i saw a pitbull wearing a yellow slick raincoat with a hood and everything the other day when it was raining, it was the cutest thing i've ever seen.

i finally quit being stupid and messaged drew, lol. received it last night. he's hard-headed as hell. everything is frustrating, all of this has become a little ridiculous. i think that we'd both like to move past it, but both of us are so proud and stubborn that we won't make the first step. people are stupid, i guess i'll be the one to initiate texting. gahhhd. i do miss him though, i'd just like to strangle him.

i think i've finally committed to my tattoo idea. now just to save up an extra 2 or 300. or 4. i can't really judge.

emily's birthday is tomorrow. i want a party. mostly just to have a party haha.

went to a drag show at a gay club with my best friend from work, noah, a hilarious gay dude, and two of the hostesses. i was literally one of 3 white people there. "this is a black club, is that a problem?" "nooo" it was hilarious and everyone was really nice. and well-groomed haha. the performers were awesome. not 21 so i got x'ed. even though i did drink a sex on the beach, ha. the hostesses had their sister's id although they're not 21. i told noah all i had was a brother. he asked if we looked alike. i said kinda. he said i might be able to show them that here. i lol'd.

i have to pick a paint color for my room and get painting.

i don't

2009-11-18T17:11:00.003-05:00

even remember feeling so worked up in that last post.

most of the time it takes me like 4 times to remember my password to this.

why does my back hurt so much?
oh, guess it's the knife that's stuck in there......

all i can say is.......cool.

stupid is as stupid does.

count to ten and bite my lip.

"if she says anything to you i will fucking scream at her"

laugh this whole thing off.

stalking is obnoxious, btw. i KNOW

i

2009-10-30T12:48:00.003-04:00

am sitting in the honors computer lab and almost started crying.

i think something's wrong with me. i've been way overly emotional this past week. i'm not about to start my period which would've maybe had something to do with it. but since not, i really don't know.

i wish i would stop. i've been on the same birth control for like 4 years now so that hasn't changed and is fucking with my hormones...

i don't know.

talking and realizing everything's ok.

i think i've been on the verge of a panic attack.
talking myself down from the ledge is not fun.

awful mood

2009-10-29T12:52:00.003-04:00

i don't know what to think any more.

the past week has been awesome, up until the last 2 days. it's me, not everyone else.
well, some of it's certain people, but a lot of it is just me being in some weird funk for some reason.

god i hope we talk tonight. i don't really know what to do.

one thing i find more annoying than anything else in the world is when people tell you stuff about themselves, or relating to themselves or whatever, knowing that you will not give one fuck, and try to fish out compliments for it. so fucking annoying, SO fucking annoying.

from good to bad

2009-10-27T00:03:00.003-04:00

from bad to fucking worse.

today went in a slow spiral to me sinking in a quicksand pile of shit.

i don't know how i feel.
today everyone's been bringing up stuff that my ex's have done. fucking-me-over type things. with no intentions to make me feel bad and it's just conversation but god. piling it on all at once. i defizz into an emo puddle on the floor.

watching your mouth move when you sing made me fall in love with you.
that's for a girl. not a boy. not that one boy.
you define the term 'snake in the grass'. good god. if anyone deserves to die sad and alone...
and i don't say that spitefully. it's just what's fair.

apparently chris has a girlfriend. she looks like a caveman. perhaps he's been working at geico too long....
ugh. i almost started crying to have this on top of all the other bullshit heaved on me. two weeks ago he was telling me i was his soulmate but more importantly was saying how he wanted to fuck me. this bullshit makes me sick. not that he's dating someone but that he's dating someone after saying that stuff when i'm sure he was talking to her and that's totally being a shiesty bastard to her. i just hate all this bullshit. i don't understand how everyone sucks so much.

on top of that drew and i got in to a heated discussion of things and now idk if he's just mad or asleep. or what. and i haven't seen him in 5 days now and we didn't talk for like four of those and honestly, i just miss him. and now this. i don't want to fight. we don't fight. we're not 'together' enough to fight.
i really fucking miss him.
i hope he doesn't have my blogspot url. i'd be embarassed of him reading this. hahah. thumbs up to hiding all my emotions except for retarded blogspot posts.

constructed my halloween costume today. bodysuit/unitard thing from american apparel. fishnets. cat ears. maybe high heels, though i'm sure i'll pack my vans to change in to. all but once i've been an animal for halloween, and being a cat is my go-to thing. slutty enough to be a girl on halloween, not as annoying as the mandatory whore costume that comes in 823457834 colors to be goldilocks to little red to whatever the fuck else.
^ yes. did realize that this costume makes me look like a american apparel model hoe who happened to be wearing cat ears. whatever. it's comfortable.

i couldn't decide if i should get white glitter or pink glitter to put on my nose. white would make me look like i've been doing lines. pink might look like some weird rosacea. i went with pink ha.

blah de blah. going back

been too long

2009-10-22T21:42:00.003-04:00

i don't even know what i've been doing.

i've been feeling pretty good, but i feel really fucked up today. bad person.
values not morals.

my developmental psychology class. preconventional, conventional, postconventional.
heinz's wife is dying of cancer. there is a drug that can potentially save her. the druggist is charging 10 times the amount that it costs. heinz has half the money and pleads with the druggist, who refuses. heinz breaks in to the man's store to steal the drug.

preconventional, reached by age 13. good or bad.
conventional, reached by age 15. rules of society, fit in.
postconventional, some people never reach this stage. interpret rules to fit with one's values.

girl says he could have found another way, kept pleading. other girl says it's wrong to steal but she understands. i say no way, he had every right to steal it. what's the arbitrary value and society's made-up morals that stealing is wrong versus a human life.
good to know that i'm postconventional. not good to know that so many people are not.

anyway. movies yesterday. "what are you thinking?" well, i don't know. harmless versus harmful. both at the same time. it's like sigfreud and roy and you know..their tigers. they train the tigers. or as i'd think of myself..play, interact with the tigers. the tiger's still a dangerous animal and can (and once did) attack one of them. well that's how it is. but tigers are my favorite animal so what am i supposed to do?

show last night was fun. very fun.

to a girl: i like you. i see good things in you. maybe you are everything i'm not, and never could be. i like that. you deserve more than him. he's real scummy, i wish i could tell you without looking hypocritical or like a meddling bitch. take care of yourself, please. love, a.

when we have sex i'll be on top and then he'll pick me up and twist me around to throw me on the bed, while he's still inside me. and we're just intertwined and i'm completely in the air for a second. this is very attractive.

my mom won't give me the laptop she bought for me (sweet, bitchy) until i get the car fixed.
i've had four days in a row off and don't know what to do with myself. work tomorrow. i need to get the police report.

i need to do a lot of dumb shit. like sign up for classes. which i just went to do, but since i'm an undeclared major i have a hold..which means i can't sign up until i declare my major. god damn it. as of now it looks like it's going to be psychology.

braaaaahhhh

NO MORE BLONDE

2009-10-07T18:35:00.001-04:00

fuck yeah

wahhh

2009-10-06T16:21:00.003-04:00

i don't want to fight traffic to get to conyers to get an estimate on my car.

i bought louis a cage yesterday from a hot housewife in brookhaven. good karma.

i bought so much hair product bullshit from ulta yesterday. realize i have slight obsession. the lady who waxed my eyebrows was hilarious.

why are you being such a BITCH. or is it just me being hyped up over nothing?
ughhhhhh. that's the thing i hate.
i think it's just me.

i'm glad my posts have been relatively boring aka not brewing in my own stupid mind.

really....

2009-10-04T14:50:00.002-04:00

really.

i feel like i'm driving more than 100% of my time. i don't understand how i can enjoy and abhor something so much at the same time. guess that works for a lot of things.

today sucks. i just want to lay in bed and cuddle and listen to bon iver. LOL, i know. secret softie. tharik was riding in my car and i had on some bullshit mix cd i made and he said "whoah, emo shit..." because he's not used to me not listening to something like dr.dre.

sometimes i act like a normal person with feelings.

work at 5. cool.

i need a fucking computer, for nothing else so that i can start building up my itunes AGAIN. for the....idk 3rd, 4th time that i've lost my entire music collection. fml.

got in a wreck with some butch lesbo yesterday. well, it was her fault. waited on the police for 2 hours. cool. she was nice though, it was fine. she lives down the street from me, she knows my weirdo trashy neighbors down the street....who had told her a while back about their friend who was staying with them who was strung out on heroin...they kicked him out, and he came back and broke into their house to steal shit by bending up the bars of their windows. ohhhh heyyyyyy that sounds fucking familiar doesn't it. so there you go, i honestly believe i just solved my own case. some strung out white heroin creep stole my shit. it makes perfect sense. and alex if you read this know that you were right it probably did have something to do with the trashy neighbors. u go supersleuth.

myspace just popped up with a ad for avril lavigne's new perfume. fuck. euthanize her please.

apparently chris is starting a folk band with seth. LOLOL. i guess they can write songs about how much they hate drew. fags.

went to a party in mcdonough last night. jill and i both wore our leather jackets, unplanned, and looked like a biker gang. "hi, i'm smarter, funnier, and prettier than you. nice to meet you, later" ok, me saying that was about as catty as i get. but sometimes i just can't help it. nasty nasty girls. this is a house party in mcdonough, not the club in atlanta, why are you fucking dressed like that? i love franco, he'll always have a special place in my heart. i like talking to him and knowing his ex-girlfriend freaks the fuck out about it just goads me on more when i'm in the right mood.

no more blonde in a few days. that will be really weird.

run away

2009-10-01T11:47:00.003-04:00

i feel like i'm running a marathon.

i'm wondering if the anthropologie at lenox would hire me...... i wonder how much of a discount i'd get. trolling the website and i want everything.
i want a house that i can live in for a long period of time and dedicate lots of time and effort into decorating and upkeep and etc.
coupled with i love moving and never unpack half of my stuff where ever i am.
walking contradiction.

i'm way too fickle with relationships. i can't really help it. i can go days without talking to drew and be fine. i feel like i should care more. i get weirded out when people other than my best friend ask how we're doing. this investment that i have. stocks are up. we're doing IT, that's all. not my boyfriend.
ok, a little more than just doing it...i mean i care about his feelings, sometimes. but the point is. why am i such an emotionless android. why don't i want a boyfriend, like everyone else seems to? i don't know.

louis been driving me fucking nuts and i just want to give him away. not really. i just wish he'd quit being such a bitch.

i'm sitting in the honors lab...and i just got filmed. for some bullshit promotional video for prospective students. ewwwww. dislike.
i drop classes because i'd rather party and put the least amount of effort into my schoolwork, the only reason i make good grades is because i have real brains. not honorable. do not need to be paparazzi'd but i couldn't say no.

working all of my life, fuuuck.

according to facebook updates, people really love october. i never knew this..sort of weird.

new hair next tuesday or wednesday thank fucking gawd. could not come sooner.

oh yeah

2009-09-29T14:03:00.002-04:00

on my way to class i was walking through woodruff park. there was a homeless lady wrapped in a sleeping bag shouting at people as they walked by, to me she directed:

"i'm going to fucking sucker punch you in the back of the goddamn head"

i started laughing so hard, i'm surprised i didn't provoke her even more.

catfights, lesbian porn

2009-09-29T12:30:00.002-04:00

i need to know if i can skip class or not. i'm interested in buying a dog crate off of craigslist, but don't know if i want to drive to kennesaw by myself and risk getting sex-trafficked. it's an xl (54inches), too big for louis, but eh. there's no 48 and i don't feel like waiting and plus who knows how big he will get and whatever whatever.

i think i'm going to drop my art class. sadly. i'm so torn about it. on the one hand it's my favorite class, and my teacher's awesome. but with working all the fucking time i don't have time (or, commitment on my part) to put in the work needed to actually do my best (closet perfectionist), and i can't make it to class. "can't". "won't". still.

i have to figure out what i'm doing about moving. 1. if i really want to which include a whole overwhelming hosts of things. 2. how to go about getting in contact with my retarded landlord to break off the lease 3. when i'd have time to move my stuff.

it'd just...be weird living that close to drew. i feel like he feels it's weird too. well, naturally i guess it's going to have a weird factor. but there's a difference between this is weird but it will work and be fine and this is weird (i.e. sucks) and it will affect our relationship. which, i don't care what he does, when he does it, i don't see that changing, but idk. does living so close mean i'm getting in to more of a relationship than i intend? on my part i'm just trying to find the most suitable living quarters....but. idk. i don't really think i'll know until i try it, but by that point it will be too late.... ? ????????????

morning sickness today. i guess i'm nauseous from my antibiotics. blah. only a few more days left.

my hair's driving my fucking nuts. sick of it being long, but don't want it short. sick of being blonde, but not sure i want to be anything else.

wah wah wah wah

2009-09-28T14:25:00.001-04:00

big decisions coming up in the next couple of days

i'm rich

2009-09-24T14:04:00.003-04:00

but have no time to spend my clams.

working from last monday. had this monday off. working tuesday through next wednesday EVERY DAY.

i vaguely like everyone i work with, most of the customers are really nice to me, i get at least 18% 99% of the time, blah de blah. but i still feel like going nuts and pouring food on myself and giving up hope by the end of the night. i don't know why. it's draining.

free pit to bad home. being a responsible mom i decided to buy those puppy pee pads to housebreak louis faster. what does that little asshole do but shred the pad into 1000 pieces and shit right beside it. haaaa, i laughed. then hit him.
also i bought a 3pack of trident gum from the grocery store and left it on my bed. i put one pack in my purse and left the other two. when i got home both packs were destroyed and i swear he chewed every piece of gum for 2 seconds and then spit it out. i could detect the mint on his breath though, so that was funny.

speaking of, there's a weird smell in the living room/kitchen that makes me want to throw up every time i walk into the house. yum.

jill's coming home today. good news.

developmental psych test today. i made a 94 on the last one.

alamo race track

2009-09-22T13:01:00.001-04:00

i really enjoy this band.

that is all

Schadenfreude

2009-09-22T12:44:00.002-04:00

^ if you're unaware, schadenfreude is a unique german word meaning 'to take pleasure in another's misfortunes'

generally, i love it. phone call from jill last night; eyes wide, mouth open "WHAAAAAAAAAT" for a good 5 minutes. I smiled like the content cat I am.

I like this game of like/not like more and more. It keeps me on my toes.

took my mom out to eat at the outback in mcdonough last night; our server inadvertantly told me that the new proprieter at the one in buckhead is going to be a girl, from their store. 1. i'm not supposed to know that at all. 2. fuck. i do not want to work under a woman. that spells bad fucking news.
nlah blah. i just need to get the next 3, really two, days out of the way.

h8 myself

2009-09-21T13:56:00.004-04:00

aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

went to the fox&hound last night, by request of mike and franco & crew. things are normal.
it turns out drew and david were there, weird fucking coincidence. really weird...
order a long island and a pitcher of pbr (on request of ricky).
mingle.
mike, franco, and i go out to my car to smoke weed. franco leaves with two fat girls to get mcdonalds (lol). mike and i smoke.
fml fml fml fml fml fml fml
i have in the past couple months rarely smoked, so my tolerance is -2345. i smoked more than i thought. it was really high-grade weed. i never have a pleasant experience being super high in public places.
culminating with me losing my fucking mind.
things just got worse and worse.
i ended up slouched around, feeling ungodly tripped out. drew says i passed out, and he had to catch my head and i almost spilled stuff everywhere. i remember david looking at me with a lol condescending look, lol. deserved.
new year's 2.0. god, awful but hilarious memories. curled around tomas with him holding my hair as i threw up outside of jill's car, crying like a baby. drew driving me home and putting me to bed. thank you guys, haha. i'd probably be dead on both occasions without them.
anyway, i like my lifestlye. but i know when i've hit the bottom, and last night was certainly a bottom. there are rarely times when i feel embarrassed, but i do feel like an ass for being such a wacko last night. live, learn.
weirdly, i woke up at 5 this morning and couldn't fall asleep again and felt fantastic. don't know why.

when i see

2009-09-17T12:24:00.003-04:00

what i saw.

my stomach knots up. my arms move in towards my chest. something just tried to strangle my heart.

sometimes i feel like everything will be okay. that i escaped, that i don't want to be shut up in a box. i don't need this. i don't want that.

sometimes i feel like i'm being devoured feet first by an anaconda. anticipation is nearly always worse than the actual event. if it could ever just reach my head and take me in, it'd be over. but it's never there. stuck closing around my neck. no room to move or breath. just think. anxiety is my constant.

then i calm down. and realize i'm the one that killed you.

Answer: frequency
Answer: catastrophe
Answer: volcanism
Answer: acceptable risk
Answer: reactive
Answer: anticipatory

true false true false false false false false false false true false false.

creative loathing

2009-09-16T11:34:00.002-04:00

i don't like getting rained on.
of course it went from drizzling to pouring when i took louis to the dog park yesterday. of course he picks out the creepiest guy's dog to befriend. i was wondering why the dude was staring at me like such a piece of ass and then i realized i was wearing a white shirt, which by this point was see-thru. cool. wanna fuck while our dogs chase squirrels?

i tired of asking melissa 28349732875435 times if i can please have the fucking bill money. don't care what the house looks like, don't care what you do, just don't let it affect the bills getting paid on time. thank you alex for being responsive.

on a future roommate note, jill's moving back. woo hoo. 45 minutes away beats 6 hours.

geology test tomorrow.

just looked at my work schedule which is blah. at least it pays well.

blah blah blah. everyone's getting sick.

for the record

2009-09-14T11:34:00.003-04:00

after drew confronted hailey with the fact that she was cheating on him while they were going out (true, and pretty well known), she said that she had heard from an unnamed source that 'doesn't fuck around' that he had cheated on her with me.

huu huuuuu.
so, for my own piece of mind, my remarks:
i didn't even have drew's phone number while they were dating. we talked, hung out at parties, but that was it. the first time he made plans to hang out with me was after he had broken up with her. it was supposed to be me, mike, and drew but mike ended up bailing.
despite my bad bitch reputation, i actually don't fuck around with other people's boyfriends. i would have never tried to hook up with him in the first place. just like the dude i dated back in winter who still tells me how much he wants to fuck me, when he has some sort of relations to another girl, or is at least still banging her out. i don't deal with drama like that. i'm not someone's late night text, i don't status fuck. i don't have to sneak out of the house before everyone wakes up in the morning, ha.
i don't really care what some sloppy slut tries to throw back at her ex for being caught in her own pathetic web of deceit, and i don't care much as far as my reputation for being a homewrecker or whatever the fuck, but the point that does annoy me is that drew is one of the most honest guys i've ever met and he couldn't have been more respectful to his relationship.

blap

i found

2009-09-12T14:45:00.002-04:00

my new worst habit. uhhhh.

recap. i feel like i'm going to implode.

i chuckled at the answer you gave for the interview about inspiration.
"you looked so good last night, i wanted to fuck you"
ha ha ha. i'm... glad i can still make your toes curl, but not really. i said thanks and snuggled up against my real-life beau. not really beau per say but, the guy i chose to spend most of my time with who hey, i think might even care about me more than getting his lay on. so, "Pass". and i feel sorry for your girlfriend thing, truly.

it's really hard to be honest with someone when you know, even though it may not 'matter' now, it's still going to be a blow to hear it. i think i made the right call. all i know is...ignorance, for me, is not bliss. and i feel like it would be better to know just for the sake of knowing.

work meeting today. sat around and listened and then left while the mongos i work with socialized outside. haiii see you in 20 years dumbfucks. still here. career server will never be my ambition. hope that your sense of self-importance at being in a shitty place for x amount of time, regardless that it's with little opportunity for improvement, keeps you warm throughout the years. i'll use that as a blanket statement for a lot of things.

unbreakably honest.

so weird

2009-09-09T18:23:00.003-04:00

it's weird how you can give someone road head and then afterwards you're talking about deviant road head stuff and they tell you this story of how their friend had sex while driving once and Then a long ways down the road you and that friend are actually hanging out and stuff and they start a joke about road head and then you realize blam wait that was them wasn't it and you ask and it was.
ohhhh life's little mysteries

hahahah, fyl too.
seriously though, i was loling so hard. things you never saw coming:

anyway, i just bought probably the cutest dress i've ever seen and finally after 5 years of craving and searching for the perfect leather jacket i finally got one. wahoo.

When I told

2009-09-08T14:06:00.002-04:00

my husband I was pregnant, he got furious and told me we can't afford this baby. I'm frightened. All I know is that God is the provider of life and abortion is a sin.

developmental psychology is a good class.

lol at me for not having a computer. i did get my brother to let me use his ex-girlfriends ipod so i can use it to work out at the gym with. speaking of, guess i'll start working out at the gym now. again. i missed it, over the summer.

as i was walking louis yesterday i realized how content i was. even though i still have anxiety problems with stuff, such as, not a day goes by without me realizing my mortality and the seeming futility of life (lol but 4real), i still am, happy. i think.

i got in a fight with this girl at work yesterday. i was already walking out to my table with a glass of coke, i realized that their food was ready but in ten steps i'd be back to get it. this dumb fucking bitch who thinks she can boss everyone around says alison as i'm halfway around the corner, i don't look back. so she comes outside and scream (literally yells) my name and my table looks at me weirdly, but they liked me so it was cool, and i went and told her to keep her fucking mouth shut i didn't need her bitching at me, the last thing i need is some whineyass bitch telling me what i was doing wrong. which..i wasn't doing anything wrong. that's the first time i've ended up yelling at someone and i was annoyed. plus the fact that i ended up somehow running the dumb cunt's food for her like 485738 times that night. fucking annoyed.

things i need to do more of:
-take pictures, just because.
-hang out with alex (and emily), but hey you, fiesty sort-of redhead, i miss you. i know we seem to be on opposite schedules, and i know a good bit of it is my fault but i feel like we haven't really hung out, me and you, in a long time. so if/when you read this, just saying. let's smoke some. or go to ikea. or whatever the fuck it is roommates do. get drunk and makeout. ok not really, but who knows.
-we're supposed to be having a party soon. need 2.
-i need to buy a dress for jill's brother's wedding. so ready to pop lock and drop it at that shittt.
-i've decided that i'm taking the blonde out of my hair. for now, at least. i'm just tired of it.

blhahjfhsdjdfs. i hate going to school. it's my mom's birthday tomorrow. what do you get a 51 yr old recently widowed woman. who fucking knows.

still loving my dog. best thing to wake up to ever

what

2009-09-03T16:07:00.002-04:00

was i doing on 8/25? aha.

first things first.
i measure distance in circles.
my life is nice right now. just...nice. job doesn't stress me out. school doesn't stress me out. dude doesn't stress me out. i just think i'm..balanced. which is weird.

and then, the inevitable.
since i don't have a computer it cuts out on all my trolling the internet, including myspace. which is good, for one because i actually read again.
anyway, i came to school to use the computer and get my lurk on for a second and i by no intention to, but neither did i try not to, i get on someone's page and notice that chris has changed his picture to the one i took of him at the monastary. this is always bad fucking news. call it retarded, but i know when he's sending me clues that he's thinking about me, he's done the picture thing before, and i just..knew. i go to his page which is Always since ive met him friends only, and it's not.
reading his general i wanted to throw up. my nerves will be the death of me...

chewing ice, the smell of rain, orange juice, laying in the middle of the road, watching movies, long drives to nowhere in the middle of the night, night swimming, burnt popcorn, pizza rules too

all of this revolves around me, things we did.

i don't know what to do. i haven't seen him since once in early july, and i didn't talked to him but a few times after that and that was only to agree things wouldn't work out. and then of all things drew and i start hanging out and doing what we do and well if anything that really signaled the end of our relationship for good. obviously. anyway, drew talked to him that once when he told him about everything, but i didn't because i didn't know what to do. whatever i say isn't really going to make a difference but do i say something like it will matter or will it just make me look like i think it will. anyway, i haven't. until now i am so freaked out and nervous that i just do, and typed him up this-

my house got broken into like a month ago. i haven't had the internet. well, a computer. i randomly got on it at school today and you know, i'm trolling around people i know. i see your page. i see it has the picture i took. randomly click knowing it's private. it isn't..all the way. that's weird. i read your general or interest or whatever it is and it made me want to throw up.
i was in target the other day in the pasta aisle and i saw a box of buffalo flavored macaroni and cheese and i smiled so hard because i was like fuck this is the holy grail and i wanted to tell you so bad but...you know, i can't. i don't even know what's possessed me to send this.
oh yeah and i started reading and am almost finished with an american tragedy. i sort of feel like i should just leave it and not finish it, but i don't know. i guess i am going to finish it.

i know that i really shouldn't be talking to you. i'm sure you hate me. you know about me and drew because he told you, and i was there when he did and i agreed that we should and i would've told you as well but i don't know. it was really between you and him because you and i are done and had no sort of relationship. i've wondered if i should say something to you too, but i don't know if things would be better left unsaid like i don't care, or try to explain something with some words you probably have no use for.

i guess in addressing he and i, which is probably the only thing on your mind when concerning me is. i never in a million fucking years thought that i would hang out with him, or had any intention of hanging out with 'your' friends and trying to get with them or anything. i know it's me and maybe you think i did, but i didn't. he randomly came to my house at that party and after that we just seemed to click and get along with each other. i do like hanging out with him, it's easy. we're not 'dating' or together or anything but i guess we're something. i'm sorry in the sense that i know it has affected your relationship with him, and i feel bad for that. i'm not sorry that i like hanging out with someone that happens to have been your friend. i'm not trying to come off as a callous bitch that doesn't care for anyone else but also i can't live my life according to whoever says what's socially right and what not.
anyway, i still think about you every day. how sad is that, ha. how fucked up is that. but i do, and i wish i wouldn't but i do. i can say that i think that you are my 'soulmate' if there is such a thing. soulmate being your beings recognition of your counterpoint in someone else, or whatever that line from wedding crashers was ha. but seriously, i do. and with that, maybe because of that, or in spite of that, either way, i think we both realize that we would, or at least it seems to be, that we would never work out in a real functioning relationship with both of us happy with what we have to sacrifice or worrying about something or whatever. it sucks, but i don't know what else to do. miserable with you, miserable without you.
i can say that my time with you has made me realize that for one, i'm sorry that you met me when i was still so much of a fuckup, but that you helped me in so many ways to become a better person and i'm forever grateful for that.
i'm sorry for the way i treated you with things. i realize that you also did some really fucked up shit but really, i guess this is neither here nor there. i'm not trying to play the game of why we didn't work. i think we both had equal shares of why it didn't.
i see that you're talking to, or at least that that lindsay girl is on your top friends. lol, god i was so mad about her back in the day. i probably shouldn't have. the thing is, i'm not bothered by it now. it's strange, to think of you being with someone else, but i really overall just want you to be happy. which, for all i know, you guys are just good friends, but i'm saying whatever the case and with whoever you do happen to date now or in the future.
i don't know why i'm sending this. i'm not trying to open up some feed of contact. i'm sure if anything you'll probably just get mad and send something hateful and tell coman so you can both say fuck that bitch, lol, but really i dont know. i just felt like maybe i had to say something, with that being goodbye as well. i love you, i always will, and i hope that you are happy.

real thought out and poetic. two hours later, he hasn't responded. who knows if he will. i thought it was a ticking time bomb to when he would explode when he found out about everything but he never texted me at all so maybe he's resigned himself to not think about me. in which case he shouldn't pull that picture shit and say all that stuff to get my nerves going.

i guess saying goodbye to him is the most mature thing i might have ever done. i know that he was something more to me than just a guy i dated. there are people that i've dated, like from 8/25 that i got along so well with because i just didn't really care what they did, and vice versa. but with chris i would somehow transform from a completely laid back girl, to some crazy bitch dead-set on finding out shit that he was trying to hide and being upset about his past girlfriends and stuff that i normally do not care about. freaking out isn't cool, but i guess it shows that i care(d). anyway, i guess it's maybe bad to be knocking boots with someone's friend when you're still in love with that person but. i'm not really in love with chris. i just love him. there's a difference that i don't have to time to do the justice to really express. i care about him, i always will. but i don't want to be with him. and i don't think of someone as being friends, they're just a person. that happened to have a connection, but i have to follow what is right for me.

anyway, i'm ungodly nervous right now. plus i had to watch videos of live birth in my developmental psychology class which make me really nervous and antsy to begin with but coupled onto that.ugh.
i also had really awful dreams last night.

i'm going home to mcdonough tonight to see my mom. i don't know if it would be better to leave now (4:33 as i type) or wait later. i have nothing to do and it will make me even more antsy if i stay but if i leave now i'll be annoyed in traffic. i don't fucking know.

why can't i feel anything from anyone other than you.

and hilarity ensues....

2009-08-25T13:32:00.002-04:00

i surprise.

i do things... because i can...

i like the back and forth banter. there are not many people that can go round for round with me, and it's refreshing.

alpha female

2009-08-17T16:22:00.003-04:00

i was raised by wolves, you don't even know.

day from...well then again there is no hell.
of course i missed my first day of classes, haha. only i would.
day so far: i woke up at 9:50 realized that hey i didn't wake up to the alarm i had set for 6 so i would get to my class by 8.
poured a bowl of cereal to remember that the milk was bad.
got ready.
my dumb dog shit on my roommates bed (ON the bed, he just moved in, rejected much?) which is sort of hilarious but sort of not.
got ready. found my foundation which was hidden under the bed and partially destroyed by louis. who also partially destroyed my eyeshadow brush, but both are still usable and fuck if i'm going to pay 100+ for them right now.
got ready.
didn't trust my sense of direction and ended up lost in an area sort of around mechanicsville, which i then got directed back the right way because of the ps warehouse. 15 minutes late to my other class, which started at 12. found parking a million miles away. parked. then remembered i didn't know the room number. go to honors lab, find it. can't find class. find class. it's 30 minutes deep and i say fuck it, but at least i know where it is now.
go to city hall east to pick up a police report for melissa. noticed that whoever typed up the report spelled necklace 'neckless', lol.
go to kroger and buy much needed groceries including bathroom cleaners, laundry detergent, and febreze for pet odors. i'm scrubbing and spraying anything within reach when i get home.
i made myself a sandwich which honestly i can't think of the last time i made myself a sandwich. more than a year. i bought fruit because i haven't had fruit in like 2 months besides when i went home to mcdonough the other day and realized i hadn't. and vegetables. i had a balanced meal and it was pretty nuts. i feel...good.
came to the library to check it out. on the computer. made a library card. checked out a book. creepy people use the library. real sketchy characters but it's sort of fun. i have 41 minutes remaining to use this computer.
now i've got 37. i wrote. deleted. rewrote. deleted. fuck it. i'm not using blogspot to pull some passive aggressive bullshit.
everything moves in circles.
i need to check stuff on gsu's website to update my parking permit bullshit.
hanging out with who knows who tonight.

ask myself

2009-08-14T20:24:00.003-04:00

if i care. actually... no.

which is strange but i don't.

i am breakfast for dinner. there's really nothing besides perception that makes it wrong, but it just somehow is. which is maybe why you really love it.

you swing with that?

i sat with a bemused look on my face.
broadripple is burning is looped right now. it is the best defining song of my life right now.

i pout like a fussy baby over something, and he knows it.

i can feel myself ripening like a peach.

don't

2009-08-12T21:22:00.003-04:00

things i do not want:
this list would contain everything.

today is the first day in a good two weeks i have been on an actual computer. and not some bunkass version on my phone. everything's trippy.
actually, i don't know.

i don't feel like writing much. bullshit bullshit bullshit.
house got broken into, only my stuff got taken. that's fucking awesome. laptop, super intendo, ps2, half my dvds, my purse. go fuck yourself, ghetto bastards. hope you really enjoy my harry potter dvd collection as much as i did.

a bunch of bullshit.
work is work is work is work. i haven't had a day off in like a week, couple of doubles thrown in there so no wonder i'm going nuts.

shit i don't mean. everything always gets tw1st3d around, whether you like it or not. "not". but what can you do. so that can roll on off my back.

on the real, a few days ago i was in an awful mood late at night and was about to post a blog from my phone, which i would've except it's so shoddy and i always end up accidentally clring everything, anyway. about how i hate everyone and every fucking thing, but mainly focusing on how unable to love i am. which, is true. no fucks given is a mantra i live by.

anyway, what i'm getting at is that i really really really actually like him. which is a big deal, because it is once in a never that i can see myself being like this with someone. and not in a stupid high school relationship jealousbut cheatoneachother way, and not in a i want to marry you and be your life type way, but just a right now, you're awesome and i love spending time with you way. and for once i am actually at peace.

and so that sort of cancels out everything to where i can say okay, i am fine. and lol at all the rest.

.....

2009-07-30T18:31:00.002-04:00

could not care less.

yeah you were right about me,

2009-07-27T19:57:00.004-04:00

but can i get myself out from underneath this guilt that will crush me.

i had written a lot of stuff in this post hours ago..then deleted it because what the fuck you can't Really say that on the internet. well, i can't. don't..want. to.

i am so grumpy right now. grumpy little baby

looking through old webcam stuff. this picture is from january,looking real good. you can see my black eye. ha ha ha.

watched hard candy for the second time last night with duke and kaleb. hate that movie, in a sort of good way. we found a list of the 15 most fucked-up movies of all time and i'm determined to watch all of them.
came home and hung out. ugh. what am i doing? not hating myself, which is what i should be doing.

came back to mcdonough today to help my mom set up her classroom. school starts in july this year? gross. i love being back in her classroom though, i wish the education system didn't suck so much or i'd be a teacher, or at least consider it more.

i miss my dad. i hate people, adults, asking me how my mom is. weird when people from high school come over to my house in mcdonough and ask where he is. i either laugh, which is so shitty but just my natural reaction, or look really awkward, because it is. i was shredding documents for my mom the other day, and came across this brochure place for this restaurant my parents made us go to while traveling somewhere one time that was a restaurant dedicated entirely to turkey? why the fuck they decided to go there i'm not sure but it was really kitschy and funny. anyway, i was such a total bitch about going there for no reason other than being a teenager, whereas if it were now i would have completely embraced it and had a good time. you have no idea how it feels to know that i'll never get to make up for stuff like that.

puppy is still growing, he's such a good dog when we're riding in the car.

aw.

actually

2009-07-26T20:51:00.003-04:00

i'll tell you the truth.

i will fucking die if

but who cares, really?

you'll get the urge to push me down
only to learn i resurface
i am the place where you feel safe and sound, ooh
but i am gonna make you scream oh,
i am gonna crush your dreams yeah

maybe you're on to my conspiracy
but baby you fail to learn the details
you like the fact that i am hard to read oh
i am gonna hurt you bad and
give you love you've never had

baby
try to leave me i will hunt you down and live again

baby
try to love me and i wil make you hurt then love again

come in over me
come in over me yeah

My lullabies

2009-07-26T20:41:00.003-04:00

come out as screams.

"we can keep this between us"
laughable. this is not a matter of if this is a matter of when. nobody knows this better than me.

i said
i said
i said

so we'll see.

Marty

2009-07-26T00:55:00.003-04:00

wakes up in his mother's bed wearing his underwear.

What?

party last night. what?
i told you vodka makes me nuts.

I love you even more, Elvis

party and bullshit

2009-07-24T19:32:00.005-04:00

and party and bullshit

show last night was fun. it's funnay how there's never certain girls there when there's not dudes there, haha. i'm like totally into hardcore....even though you didn't know who blacklisted was?...sit down.

fellini's afterwards, then to hang out at my house. jumped 3 fences to get to the mill town loft's pool at 3 in the morning. was awesome. last night was just...all around awesome.

met up with my mom, aunt, cousin, and grandma for lunch. since i haven't seen my cousin in like 2 years she wanted to get pedicures so i did, lol. and a manicure too. my cousin's sort of a cunt..just idk she like threw a straw wrapper outside of my window as we were driving and god knows if there's something i freak the fuck out on people about it's littering when i'm around. but i bit my tongue because i didn't feel like dealing with it. she told me about her boyfriend, who her parents aren't sure of because he's 17, and she's 15. so what? they and my mom said, "you know how boys are at that age". uhhhh, i know how boys are at any age. it's not so much the age as the person really. anyway, my mom told me to try to find out if they're having sex next time i see her and if so encourage her to go on birth control, or at least use protection. haha, thanks margaret sanger...

this was me last night and everything about it was perfect

you can blame it on me

2009-07-22T17:27:00.003-04:00

yesterday was such a good day, i packed a lot into it. i should get up at 6:30 more.
after everything i did yesterday drove back up to atlanta. met jill and eddie at shane's. met grant, and we all randomly ran into andrew at ragalot, haha. walked around, doing nothing. carried jill's bag so she wouldn't be a fussy baby (lolll, i miss you already bff) went back to the house to show them the daagg. he was shown, and loved. went to piedmont park and walked the dogs with andrew. was going to go to moe's but i wasn't carrying my purse/ wasn't hungry and i don't like people buying me things like that. went home. then went to hang out with katie and christian at their apartment. drove around, went to see their new apartment. zombie cat.

today i went up to outback, derrick said he didn't expect me to come back so he had told people i was fired. hahah, thanks a fucking lot. we talked, i'm still employed. that's cool. he said he'd look out for me if i look out for him, whatever the hell that means. i don't work again until i get the new schedule on monday, so who knows. i haven't worked all of july. cool/bad. mostly awesome.

i lurked on chris a little bit and got myself in a bad mood. i will no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man. that is that.

louis was just chewing on my sandal. ughhh i just headbutted him hahah

i am loving

2009-07-21T11:44:00.002-04:00

the things i am doing the past couple days.

kaleb and i explored the internet for food and ended up at burger joy...this tiny little place that serves burgers/ wings/ and chinese food. uhhh hello my life is complete.
i spent a good 12 hours cuddling with duke, so relaxing. i love that dog more than most, he'll always be my man, and he's actually still wearing the collar i bought him in january haha.
i went to talk to the court people yesterday, wearing the usual short shorts and a shirt, turns out they wanted me to go to court that day? i walked up and walked up the front to wait on the woman handling my case, the bailiff told me i couldn't be in court because of my outfit, lollll. fuck. i said sorry, i didn't even know i was supposed to be going to court today..
went down to griffin. hung out with eddie and jill and her family, which is always good. i offered her dad 3 goats for her brothers hand in marriage. elijah asked me on a date ahhah and also when i said i thought bass pro shops was a cool place he said he'd take me to the one in macon, so romantic. one of taylor's friends brought some Ouija board, from like toys r us hahah, and anyway i played with them. i was the one moving it. elizabeth frost age 17 died in a fire in 1958 from louisiana and all kinds of other stuff. of course they all google it and there was an elizabeth frost who died in 1958 except she was 71 oioeiroweiiwe they all believed. tharik told me not to mess with the devil, that he'd show himself to me when i was least expecting. hahah, lil freaked when i'm driving back on the dead roads to mcdonough.
got up at 615 to make it to court at 8. had a for real craigslist missed connection with a skater boy, buhh oh well. the bailiff called me up to the front and told me he was sorry i couldn't come to court but i looked really nice today he was glad lol, sort of funny. apparently failure to appear costs $100, which they did not tell me yesterday when i went up there so i had to wait a good 45 minutes while my mom brought me the money, but it is OVER and DONE and i could not be more relieved.
i have to go in to talk to the manager at outback tomorrow. fuck that. i'm in the mindset to never show up there again, but i know that's not right and i won't so, eh.
louis growing more and more. getting better about some stuff, he definitely knows "quit" and "no".
so sleepy. so sick of driving.

i feel

2009-07-19T13:51:00.003-04:00

like i'm dying. last night was good. very good. stayed up until 7:30. I don't think there is anything i like better than sitting with someone on my front porch watching the day start as it gets lighter and lighter outside. then going inside to sleep.

but i only slept until 11:43. woke up and smiled to myself.

don't look forward to driving back to mcdonough, at all. DO look forward to driving to griffin tomorrow :)

Elliott Smith, you are my one and only